Skip to main content

How to Handle Yourself at the Deli



1. Try not to Freak Out - The Deli, otherwise known as the Otter Bar, or Otterly Ridiculous by the hip set, is something not to be trifled with. All good things come to an end, even that fancy mustache you've been wearing since your grandfather left it to you in his will. Above all, try to make peace with your mortality. If someone remarks that your uncle bears a passing resemblance to King Kong Bundy, just shake their hand, offer them a toaster and slowly back away.

2. Do Not Use Lunch Meat for Unauthorized Purposes - Kids are doing strange things with lunch meat these days. But remember, you should only use it for facial abuse, futuristic breathing apparatuses and hair replacement therapy. All unauthorized uses will be met with a guffaw or a harrumph, at the very least. Older men and women who have lost the ability to tell the difference between a child on a big wheel and speed-freak wearing nothing but a top hat are advised to stay away from the powder room. And remember, being an utter cad, Lewis Farthington might ask you to meet him down by the lake at sunset, even though his sweater is clearly on fire. For this reason, we cannot in good conscience recommend that you train a zebra to do your taxes. 

3. There are no Vegans in Foxholes - Cannibalism can be fun, but make sure you have your parents' permission and your school principal has signed all the proper forms in triplicate. With that in mind, never forget that violence is a sign of weakness and yams are a sign that you've run out of ideas. If a weasel wears a vest of human skin, it means that there will be sixteen more years of winter. If you squint just right as you're brushing your teeth, it kind of looks like you're eating a mermaid.





Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

The Burning City: An Interview with Brian Diemar of MMII

I first heard the name Brian Diemar a few months ago, when I was looking around for information about Stephen Bier, formerly known as Madonna Wayne Gacy, or simply “Pogo.” He was the keyboard player for Marilyn Manson and seemed to have disappeared from public view since he left the group in 2007. Until a few months ago, the latest update on Pogo’s Wikipedia page said that he was “now a photographer.” So that was that.

Except that he had been making and producing music the entire time. And his major collaborator is Brian Diemar. Brian is a veteran lead guitar player and producer. Just prior to meeting Pogo he had left the band AM Conspiracy, a group he had formed with Jason Jones, the former lead singer of Drowning Pool. Pogo and Brian first collaborated by producing other bands under the name Faultline Productions. Shortly afterward, they began their collaboration with Hoss, a drummer who had played with the Exies and Mondo Generator. Together, the trio are MMII (pronounced “em em eye…