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How to Handle Yourself at the Deli

1. Try not to Freak Out - The Deli, otherwise known as the Otter Bar, or Otterly Ridiculous by the hip set, is something not to be trifled with. All good things come to an end, even that fancy mustache you've been wearing since your grandfather left it to you in his will. Above all, try to make peace with your mortality. If someone remarks that your uncle bears a passing resemblance to King Kong Bundy, just shake their hand, offer them a toaster and slowly back away.

2. Do Not Use Lunch Meat for Unauthorized Purposes - Kids are doing strange things with lunch meat these days. But remember, you should only use it for facial abuse, futuristic breathing apparatuses and hair replacement therapy. All unauthorized uses will be met with a guffaw or a harrumph, at the very least. Older men and women who have lost the ability to tell the difference between a child on a big wheel and speed-freak wearing nothing but a top hat are advised to stay away from the powder room. And remember, being an utter cad, Lewis Farthington might ask you to meet him down by the lake at sunset, even though his sweater is clearly on fire. For this reason, we cannot in good conscience recommend that you train a zebra to do your taxes. 

3. There are no Vegans in Foxholes - Cannibalism can be fun, but make sure you have your parents' permission and your school principal has signed all the proper forms in triplicate. With that in mind, never forget that violence is a sign of weakness and yams are a sign that you've run out of ideas. If a weasel wears a vest of human skin, it means that there will be sixteen more years of winter. If you squint just right as you're brushing your teeth, it kind of looks like you're eating a mermaid.


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