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Showing posts from February, 2015

How to Handle Yourself at the Deli

1. Try not to Freak Out - The Deli, otherwise known as the Otter Bar, or Otterly Ridiculous by the hip set, is something not to be trifled with. All good things come to an end, even that fancy mustache you've been wearing since your grandfather left it to you in his will. Above all, try to make peace with your mortality. If someone remarks that your uncle bears a passing resemblance to King Kong Bundy, just shake their hand, offer them a toaster and slowly back away.
2. Do Not Use Lunch Meat for Unauthorized Purposes - Kids are doing strange things with lunch meat these days. But remember, you should only use it for facial abuse, futuristic breathing apparatuses and hair replacement therapy. All unauthorized uses will be met with a guffaw or a harrumph, at the very least. Older men and women who have lost the ability to tell the difference between a child on a big wheel and speed-freak wearing nothing but a top hat are advised to stay away from the powder room. And remember, being …