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The Unicorn Dies At Midnight


So I was in my neighbor's backyard. We were drinking beer and watching his pet unicorn give birth. Three tiny baby unicorns, covered head to toe in a green ooze, violently chewed their way out of the proud momma unicorn's eyeballs, gnashing at the flesh that had given them life. Ah, welcome to the world, young ones! Such a sight to see!

My neighbor, an 82 year old porn star named Muff Diverson, had invited me over to drink a massive amount of booze and watch this crazy spectacle. I had enough beer in my belly to tip over a cow. It was really getting gurgly in there. Suddenly, I let out a massive fart. The gas explosion sounded like a chorus of trumpets playing "Give My Love To Rose." This was the name of my neighbor's unicorn. My neighbor suspected immediately that I must have been giving the package goods to his beloved mythical animal.

Soon, the guy was chasing me around his yard with an axe in one hand and a contract for child support payments in the other. I told him that there was no way I could have gotten his unicorn pregnant. For one thing, I'm a goat. For another thing, these three little newborns clearly looked like George Clooney. My neighbor scratched his beard and nodded at the resemblance. His beard jumped off his face and snaked down the road, determined to finally pursue its dream of becoming the world's first singing podiatrist.

The proud unicorn mother lay writhing in the yard, twitching and foaming at the mouth. The miracle of birth! Muff Diverson and I had another beer and passed out. We woke up to the unicorn babies eating our faces off.


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