Skip to main content

My Night Terrors Bring All The Boys To The Yard

I was born without the ability to tell the difference between a gopher and an insurance salesman with a grudge. Which is unfortunate, considering that my father was an insurance salesman with an irrational hatred of gophers. I was pretty confused as a boy. But the differences became clearer as I got a little older. For one thing, gophers don’t usually piss on the living room carpet while wearing nothing but alligator-skin eyebrow covers. So, like I was saying, the other day I was trying to figure out why Cuba Gooding Jr was walking down the sidewalk behind me, throwing Life Savers at the back of my neck. I mean, just following me around all day doing that. Where was he keeping all these candies? How many pockets did this man have? Well, there came a point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I turned around to face my tormentor. “Listen, Cuba Gooding Jr,” I said, “what’s the deal? Why are you tossing sweets at me?” Cuba Gooding Jr’s response was to squeal like an infant while making “jazz hands” and staring at my manly funtime parts. Ooops. Why I had decided to wear my leopard-print thong that day I have no idea. After all, my psychiatrist had warned me that people are prone to react this way when they see leopard-print, even big time celebrities like Cuba Gooding Jr. Nowadays, it’s zebra-print or nothing. I had committed a serious fashion error. Terror isn’t only in the domain of the wicked.


Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Boy Meets Chrome: Christine

Written by Bill Phillips from a novel by Stephen King and directed by John Carpenter, Christine, released in 1983, is a love story between a boy and his car. This time, however, the car is alive and quite possessive of her boy.

She’s an older lover, too. Christine, a red Plymouth Fury, is a disheveled twenty-one years old when eighteen year old Arnie (Keith Gordon) falls for her. She’s broken down, in a state of disrepair and decay. When his best friend Dennis (Dean Stockwell) drives Arnie home after their first day of school, Arnie sees her sitting in the yard of a house that’s just as dilapidated at the car. Arnie decides he’s going to fix her, make her run again.

This movie is all about sex, love, and obsession and the moral lines that get blurred when these things interact with each other. Christine begins as Arnie and Dennis drive around discussing sex. Dennis, a football player and quite an attractive young man, has clearly had plenty of it, while Arnie is still a virgin. Denni…