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Showing posts from July, 2013

Dispatches From A Rodeo

On a lark, the wife and I went to the J Bar W Ranch for a rodeo. Saturday, July 20th, 2013. The ranch is about twenty minutes northeast from our apartment in Frederick, MD.
The spectacle fascinated me. It was completely engrossing. At times I felt guilty about how entertaining I found the whole thing. Whenever a rider mounted a bull, there was always a chance they might die trying to ride the thing, however slight. The spectre of death haunted this family-friendly event. They didn’t sell booze. The announcer didn’t curse. There were children everywhere, clapping and cheering. Late in the evening, a bull fell over, crushing a cowboy under its weight. He lay in the dirt, completely unconscious. The other cowboys jumped in to help. On the benches behind us were two kids who couldn’t have been older than seven. They were laughing and pointing at the gruesome scene. Where were their parents?
There are two fundamentally opposing elements here - the bulls are tamed, but only enough that…

The Unicorn Dies At Midnight

So I was in my neighbor's backyard. We were drinking beer and watching his pet unicorn give birth. Three tiny baby unicorns, covered head to toe in a green ooze, violently chewed their way out of the proud momma unicorn's eyeballs, gnashing at the flesh that had given them life. Ah, welcome to the world, young ones! Such a sight to see!

My neighbor, an 82 year old porn star named Muff Diverson, had invited me over to drink a massive amount of booze and watch this crazy spectacle. I had enough beer in my belly to tip over a cow. It was really getting gurgly in there. Suddenly, I let out a massive fart. The gas explosion sounded like a chorus of trumpets playing "Give My Love To Rose." This was the name of my neighbor's unicorn. My neighbor suspected immediately that I must have been giving the package goods to his beloved mythical animal.

Soon, the guy was chasing me around his yard with an axe in one hand and a contract for child support payments in the other. I…

My Night Terrors Bring All The Boys To The Yard

I was born without the ability to tell the difference between a gopher and an insurance salesman with a grudge. Which is unfortunate, considering that my father was an insurance salesman with an irrational hatred of gophers. I was pretty confused as a boy. But the differences became clearer as I got a little older. For one thing, gophers don’t usually piss on the living room carpet while wearing nothing but alligator-skin eyebrow covers. So, like I was saying, the other day I was trying to figure out why Cuba Gooding Jr was walking down the sidewalk behind me, throwing Life Savers at the back of my neck. I mean, just following me around all day doing that. Where was he keeping all these candies? How many pockets did this man have? Well, there came a point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I turned around to face my tormentor. “Listen, Cuba Gooding Jr,” I said, “what’s the deal? Why are you tossing sweets at me?” Cuba Gooding Jr’s response was to squeal like an infant while mak…

Why I'm Already Loving Dexter's Final Season

Electric Indian By Plaeground

I hadn't heard of the group Plaeground until one half of the EDM combo, Will S, send me a cryptic Facebook message. It was just a link to their Soundcloud page and a smiley-face emoticon. OK, sure, why not? Then I looked at his profile picture. A bearded dude with dreadlocks. Nooo! Hippie music! But because I'm cool like that, I checked out their music anyway.

I liked the first few tracks I listened to on their Soundcloud page, but I'm more of an album kind of guy than an individual track (suit) fella. So I went to their Bandcamp page and downloaded their 2010 album, Electric Indian, Volume 2. It cost me free dollars, which, of course, meant that I didn't spend any cheddar on the thing. Which means that if you like their songs, there's really no reason not to download their tunes. And if you live in Maryland, you should consider seeing them live.

I say this because I really like their music. My idea of consciousness expansion lately has been cold fever dreams and …