Skip to main content

First Week: Han Solo. Second Week: Meh, Everything Else, I Guess


Welcome to my class, kids. You'll notice that the first thing listed on the syllabus is "Han Solo." This should be self-explanatory, but I'll elaborate a bit. We'll spend a few days on his hair, a few more on his bravery and a few more on wisecracks. I believe strongly that there's little about life that can't be learned by thoroughly studying Han Solo. Sure, Spinoza had a few good ideas, but could he teach Jabba how to get that weird stain out of his carpet, and look good while doing it? I didn't think so. Suck it, Spinoza.

Han Solo once impersonated my daughter just so he could look up at me with them little baby eyes of his and see if it couldn't make my heart melt. Well, melt my heart did, and right through my chest! After a while it congealed like ketchup and I wondered, gee, will I ever get asked to the prom like this? Would Goat-faced Martha ever look at me the same way again? Would it cause a scandal at the church? Would I ever be able to wear a Cosby Sweater in public again? These questions were all made irrelevant when Han Solo sucked my skin through a vacuum cleaner so that he could better see whether I had any guts. I was pretty as a peacock then, and I knew for sure that Hannah Saltmine would be keen on my taking her to the sock hop in January.

Did you know that Han Solo rides a giant falcon named Marky Mark and he controls it by reaching underneath the chest and yanking on either its right or left nipple, depending on which direction he wants to go? Han Solo uses a blaster because lightsabers are for hippies. When Han Solo found out that Luke Skywalker had kissed his own sister, he made up for it by kissing everyone's sister. Four years later, my sister is still smiling.

Even though nearly everything you need to know about life can be learned by studying Han Solo, we'll still look at a few other things, too. In the second week we'll cover the Greek philosophers, Elvis and modern plumbing. We'll also teach an alligator to hum samurai movie titles and watch plenty of Golden Girls episodes. Classes will conclude when we have destroyed everything anyone has ever held sacred and we transform ourselves into pure light that rides us all the way across the universe.

Students should pack a lunch.


Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Holy Terror: Terribly Mundane

Holy Terror, a horror flick released on digital platforms like Amazon Video this month, proves that it’s pretty damn hard to write and direct an original exorcism movie. Not only is this film’s story muddled, but every idea is recycled from another, better movie.
The first two minutes or so are actually quite interesting. Cool visuals, with everything a pea-green or vibrant black color. A priest named Jacob (Scott Butler), a nun (Kristine DeBell), and another priest are performing an exorcism on some poor young girl when it goes wrong and she croaks. Jacob is so flustered by the experience that he questions his faith and leaves the church. Cool story, but it’s time to forget about Jacob for about thirty minutes while we get to know a not-at-all pleasant couple, Molly (Kelly Lynn Reiter) and Tom (Jesse Hlubik), who’ve just lost their kid partially because of Molly’s neglect. Weird stuff is going on at their house and, who knows, maybe their dead kid is coming back in the form of a ghost…