Skip to main content

Revenge Of The Mullet People

By the age of thirteen, I had matured into a fully-functional cyborg entity named the Crystaline Cupcake. I was supposed to be programmed to keep America safe from the Mole People. Turns out there was a mix up at the factory and I was actually programmed to destroy all the mullet people. As a result, the entire town of Corner, Alabama was wiped off the map.

Well, either way, I was good at my job. Too good. They found me, man. Drink your milk, kids, but sometimes even strong bones will only get you so far in this world. Nothing can protect you from the foul stench of a Muskrat Bomb. You can't wash the smell away, even if you use plenty of SPAM. It's there forever. You'll never have friends again. Only ostriches will accept your company, and then only after you've given them a perm and loaned them the first season of 21 Jump Street. They think that Johnny Depp guy is just oh so dreamy. And who can blame them?

I just can't rid myself of the desire to destroy mullets. I have my scissors at the ready. I linger, sad and despondent, outside monster truck rallies, Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts and Waffle Houses all over this great nation of ours. I've even considered visiting my Aunt Betty in that women's prison. But it's no good. I have Muskrat Bomb flashbacks. Every time I hear someone fart, I take cover immediately. I live in the shadow of despair. My soul weeps.


Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Boy Meets Chrome: Christine

Written by Bill Phillips from a novel by Stephen King and directed by John Carpenter, Christine, released in 1983, is a love story between a boy and his car. This time, however, the car is alive and quite possessive of her boy.

She’s an older lover, too. Christine, a red Plymouth Fury, is a disheveled twenty-one years old when eighteen year old Arnie (Keith Gordon) falls for her. She’s broken down, in a state of disrepair and decay. When his best friend Dennis (Dean Stockwell) drives Arnie home after their first day of school, Arnie sees her sitting in the yard of a house that’s just as dilapidated at the car. Arnie decides he’s going to fix her, make her run again.

This movie is all about sex, love, and obsession and the moral lines that get blurred when these things interact with each other. Christine begins as Arnie and Dennis drive around discussing sex. Dennis, a football player and quite an attractive young man, has clearly had plenty of it, while Arnie is still a virgin. Denni…