Skip to main content

I Contain Multitudes (And They're All Idiots)

source

You ever find yourself throwing crab apples at baby seals while you ride your unicycle through a zoo and wonder, “What the fuck am I doing with my life?” I don’t. That’s because I’m an idiot. Not only that, but I can also juggle horses, which has led to some seriously fucked up situations. For instance, the other day I was in my local park, juggling three horses, when a tribe of cannibals wandered by and started adding salt and pepper to my naked body. But why was I naked, you ask? Well, earlier I had a premonition that later in the day a tribe of cannibals might want to toss salt and pepper on me and then boil me into a stew. Being nothing if not considerate, I decided not to wear any clothes. I put down my horses and greeted the cannibals with enthusiasm. “Thanks for having me for dinner!” I said. “No one’s ever wanted to eat me before. The closest thing was when my dear mum mistook me for an alpaca and sheared me. My skin, once it was dried and tanned, made a surprisingly warm winter coat. I hope I can provide the same kind of warmth for your bellies.” The cannibals were so moved by my speech that they gave me their salt and pepper shakers and offered to let me season and eat them instead. So I salted and peppered all six of them, but to their surprise I picked all six of them up and started to juggle them. They just loved being tossed into the air again and again. They were so full of glee that I felt a little guilty when it came time to eat them. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Holy Terror: Terribly Mundane

Holy Terror, a horror flick released on digital platforms like Amazon Video this month, proves that it’s pretty damn hard to write and direct an original exorcism movie. Not only is this film’s story muddled, but every idea is recycled from another, better movie.
The first two minutes or so are actually quite interesting. Cool visuals, with everything a pea-green or vibrant black color. A priest named Jacob (Scott Butler), a nun (Kristine DeBell), and another priest are performing an exorcism on some poor young girl when it goes wrong and she croaks. Jacob is so flustered by the experience that he questions his faith and leaves the church. Cool story, but it’s time to forget about Jacob for about thirty minutes while we get to know a not-at-all pleasant couple, Molly (Kelly Lynn Reiter) and Tom (Jesse Hlubik), who’ve just lost their kid partially because of Molly’s neglect. Weird stuff is going on at their house and, who knows, maybe their dead kid is coming back in the form of a ghost…