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Granny's New Hobby




When I asked Granny where she was going the other night and she answered, “Baby Fight Club,” I was horrified. Images of toddlers being tossed into a flaming barbed-wire cage and gnawing at each other’s flesh danced around my head. However, that wasn’t where Granny was going. Turned out she was into something much worse.

No actual babies are involved in Baby Fight Club. Instead, senior citizens get together in an abandoned warehouse where they drink themselves silly and get totally nekkid except for an oversized diaper. Then they rub peanut butter all over themselves and proceed to get into the most brutal tickle fights this far east of the Mississippi. 

I can see all sorts of terrible things happening here.

Not that I have much room to talk. I was once involved with a group of Swedish performance artists who were working on a way to give everyone in the world an extra toe. Unfortunately, it would be someone else’s toe. Hey, live and learn, right?

Except I didn’t. A little later I joined a group that was responsible for sucking the entire state of Texas into a black hole. Ooops. True, it took several weeks before anyone noticed, but it wasn’t one of my finer moments.

I know Granny wants to prove that she’s as tough as she was in the 60’s, when she went on that chainsaw murder spree. But she’s older now. I’m worried she might have lost some of her killer instinct. 

Well, at least she’s still active.

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