Skip to main content

Adventures In Self Lobotomy

source

For some reason, the government frowns on self-lobotomies. It's not safe, they say. You're scooping your brains out with a rusty spoon, they say. You left your skull cap on the floor and your cat's sitting in it, they say.

All true. But it was the only solution. You see, I write the copy for the covers of those tabloids you see near the checkout line of nearly every supermarket in America. The other day, I wrote the title of an article that featured Kim Kardashian, who's gained a few pounds as a result of being pregnant. It read: "Retarded Whale Beaches Itself On The Streets Of New York." A tad harsh maybe, and I'll admit that the first thing that came to mind after writing it was that after work I should ejaculate into a hooker's ear. But the second thing that came to mind was that I just might be exposing children to morally bankrupt messages simply because they're accompanying their parents to the grocery store.

This was bad. I was starting to develop a conscience, which is a deadly thing in my line of work. Self-lobotomy seemed like the only sane option. So one night, after letting a hooker shit in my ear, I went home and did what I felt like I needed to do.

It's not all bad, of course. Nowadays, I take pleasure in little things like ejaculating into my ear, coloring the walls with crayon and re-watching Saved By The Bell. Best of all, I've been doing some of my best work at the magazine. We've just gotten some exclusive photos of Gwyneth Paltrow sneaking a few bites from a cupcake. The caption's going to read "Beautiful Actress Slowly Morphing Into A Cankle-Faced Blob." It just might be my masterpiece.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Boy Meets Chrome: Christine

Written by Bill Phillips from a novel by Stephen King and directed by John Carpenter, Christine, released in 1983, is a love story between a boy and his car. This time, however, the car is alive and quite possessive of her boy.

She’s an older lover, too. Christine, a red Plymouth Fury, is a disheveled twenty-one years old when eighteen year old Arnie (Keith Gordon) falls for her. She’s broken down, in a state of disrepair and decay. When his best friend Dennis (Dean Stockwell) drives Arnie home after their first day of school, Arnie sees her sitting in the yard of a house that’s just as dilapidated at the car. Arnie decides he’s going to fix her, make her run again.

This movie is all about sex, love, and obsession and the moral lines that get blurred when these things interact with each other. Christine begins as Arnie and Dennis drive around discussing sex. Dennis, a football player and quite an attractive young man, has clearly had plenty of it, while Arnie is still a virgin. Denni…