Skip to main content

Adventures in Paper Shining

Sunday 24th of March 2013 3:17 am
You can't make paper shine. This fact has been driving me mad. I've probably gone through a small forest worth of printer paper trying this. No matter how much orange juice I pour on it, it won't shine like the sun. I've tried from concentrate, not from concentrate, no pulp, with pulp, high pulp. Nothing works.

Sunday 24th of March 5:42 pm
There is a soda called Sun Drop. I think that that may be just what I need. Capri Sun has a lot of flavors, it'll take me a while to try them all. NeuroSun looks really promising. It even has a picture of a head on it with a sun where the brain would be.

Monday 25th of March 2:02 pm
Jack flapping shit. I have now decided to think think outside of the (English) box and try some Sol beer. By this time the pool that is my office floor has become quite sudsy, tasting very sweet. But the paper still won't shine. Next idea: Dawn dish detergent. They must call it Dawn for a reason. And I may as well have the Domino's driver bring me some Sun laundry detergent while he's at it. It is amazing what those kids will do for money. Gratifying too.

Tuesday 26th of March 3:12 am
Still no shine. I have lost all faith in advertising. Why are these companies allowed to use the word "sun" in their products if they can't make something luminescent? Whatever happened to false advertising? Didn't we used to hang people for that?
All I seem to have accomplished is to make the pool even more sudsy. The suds now stand almost waist level. The Domino's driver is here somewhere. I fear he may have drowned while... never you mind what he was doing. The poor boy could be dead, is this really the time to pass judgement on him? My computer tower had to be moved because I have learned the hardest way that computers don't like soap (this was a much earlier experiment). Even if they're really dirty. I have one more trick up my sleeve. Cross your fingers. Or cross your heart. Whatever you do, cross your legs because your crotch smells like a dead dog baking on a hot Arizona highway in July. Extra maggots and a side of ralph.

Stardate 27th of March 9:51 pm
SUCCESS! Pure white phosporous, when added to the cocktail I've already accumulated, has done it. The paper shines like never before. Well, granted that it never shone before. But now I need sunglasses to even glance at it. Consequently, I've burned most of the skin off of my legs. A small price to pay for brilliance. Here is a photo of my achievement, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Holy Terror: Terribly Mundane

Holy Terror, a horror flick released on digital platforms like Amazon Video this month, proves that it’s pretty damn hard to write and direct an original exorcism movie. Not only is this film’s story muddled, but every idea is recycled from another, better movie.
The first two minutes or so are actually quite interesting. Cool visuals, with everything a pea-green or vibrant black color. A priest named Jacob (Scott Butler), a nun (Kristine DeBell), and another priest are performing an exorcism on some poor young girl when it goes wrong and she croaks. Jacob is so flustered by the experience that he questions his faith and leaves the church. Cool story, but it’s time to forget about Jacob for about thirty minutes while we get to know a not-at-all pleasant couple, Molly (Kelly Lynn Reiter) and Tom (Jesse Hlubik), who’ve just lost their kid partially because of Molly’s neglect. Weird stuff is going on at their house and, who knows, maybe their dead kid is coming back in the form of a ghost…