Come on over to my place. You can touch it. You can touch my silky soaky bum and his little companion. He's a nice little fella. Followed me home one day, flicking his poo clippings onto the back of my neck. I turned around. He was a short, bearded guy. He smelled of garlic and taint cheese. I patted him on the head and said, "Who's a good little bum? Who's a nice little bum?"
This sure didn't make him very happy. He opened his mouth and out came an even tinier version of the bum. Looked just like him. This tiny bum shimmied up the big bum's beard, climbed up to his nose, and then hopped onto my lips. I started to sweat, imagining the horrible fate that awaited me. But then he gave me a little kiss on the lips. Really, it was the cutest thing ever. So I decided to take them both home, give them a silky soaky bath and make them my lifelong sex slaves.
Besides pleasuring me in ways unimaginable by even the most perverted sea otter, they also mowed my lawn and fluffed my anus before I went to bed. They also drank my whiskey for me. Now I was sexually satisfied in every way and completely sober. It was a happy time for me. And all it cost was a few ounces of cat food, a few bottles of booze and a few long dark nights of the soul. One day they stabbed me 396 times until I died. They said they were tired of my constantly dressing them as ballerinas and making leather coats from their skin. Their life stories, starring Kris Kristofferson and Tiny Kris Kristofferson, will appear on Lifetime later this week.