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Showing posts from February, 2013

Why Slave Bears Are A Great Idea

Sure, your slave bear will be violent and unpredictable, but did you know that there's a 7% chance that you'll survive when it decides to suck your brain through your ear as if it was spaghetti? Those odds might not seem great, but think of it this way: if you survive, it means you're probably one of the ubermensch and will go on to great glory on the battlefield. This will come in handy when all of the clowns break out of their asylums. As we all know, clowns are cold-blooded killers who would like nothing more than to lure you into a dark alley and give you a wedgie so hard that it leads to death-by-camel-toe, which is a tough way to finally meet the Great Broccoli in the Sky. Won't you please help prevent the clown apocalypse and purchase your slave bear today?

For The Love Of LUNA (Guest Post By Chris Vola)

When I stopped at the deli to purchase a delicious LUNA LemonZest nutrition bar and the cashier snickered at me I didn’t think anything of it. After all, I was on my way to the gym wearing shorts in ball-freezing weather and had recently let my beard grow to the length and scraggle of your standard Anthrax enthusiast. But when the girl at the gym’s front desk gave me the same amused grimace as I munched down 180 calories of sour, creamy goodness, I assumed it had to be the bar. It doesn’thave the manly aura of dark chocolate or crunchy peanut butter, but is lemon really that gauche of a flavor? And everyone knows that LUNA Bars are the shit, right?
For years I’d been devouring gooey, and what I assumed to be vitamin-rich helpings of not only LUNA’s LemonZest (or as I’ve come to call it, The Zest), but also its nearly-as-satisfying cousins like Blueberry Bliss and Cookies ‘n Cream Delight. I’d seen enough LUNA wrappers in the gym’s receptacles to know that I wasn’t alone in my affection…

All The Kids Are Doing It: Gun Play Speed Dating

Today's teenagers no longer think it's "cool" or "groovy" to shack up in the back of Uncle Pap's dump truck. No, good old fashioned romance is back in vogue. Teenagers want to find their soul mate, their "Moon Cheetah," as they say. But they're also on a lot of speed and have the attention span of a hey that's a pretty lamp over there and wouldn't it be cute to put a sailor's hat on my pet tortoise or maybe Jen was right when she said I killed all those people last Saturday. Gun Play Speed Dating combines romance, Attention Deficit Disorder and the horror of dying a blood-spattered death. 
The way it works is this: Two teenagers sit facing each other and ask each other simple questions. An adult referee is there to supervise, and to shoot a gun into the ceiling at random moments. If either of the potential lovers shits themselves when the gun goes off, it was sadly never meant to be. However, if the referee happens to be drunk…

The Lost Art Of Bird Fingering

Remember when men were real manly, man? Very few dudes still keep up the tradition of sticking their fingers into random birds' beaks at feeding time. This man is stoically posing for the camera as this vicious creature gnaws his fingers to their nubs. Fun fact: his name is Jedd R. Whistlebottom and he was born without an upper lip. Luckily, he was born with a kick-ass handlebar mustache instead.

Do Not Shave Your Baby!

As you can see from the advertisement above, it has become increasingly popular for parents to teach their babies to shave. This is never a good idea. For one thing, your baby is a maniac. I know, it's cute as hell and the most precious thing in the world. But it's also a potential cold-blooded killer. You see the way that baby is smiling? You see the way it's holding that razor? It's pointed at you, chump, and aimed straight at your soft little eyes. Parents should never shave their kid until it's at least six years old. Even then, you should only shave their eyebrows. It'll go a long way toward making a great first impression on their first day of school.

How Television Benefits Yer Childrenz

All children should have constant access to a TV. They can watch shows where people read books to them, teach them right from wrong, and spend quality time with them. Your job as a parent is done. I once stared at my TV for so long that I turned inside out. It's not recommended that you let your children do that. What I do recommend is paying plenty of attention to what your children watch. For instance, if they're watching you cry because you've failed at everything in life, turn your children back around so that they're once again facing the TV. Do not feed your children after midnight. Do not attempt to move them when they're in a TV trance. If red beams start shooting violently from their eyes, simply back away slowly into the next room.

The Spam Email Subject Line Artist

Why do you people insist on making fun of me just because I write those little Email subject lines that link to porno sites?  I don’t know what you think, but it’s not easy to come up with things like this:

“Bombastick Skrillex your moomas tits cute goth.”

Anybody can write a subject line that’s complete gibberish or offends people down to their very soul. Combining the two so perfectly that it stuns and beats the reader into complete submission, virtually forcing them to open the Email, is more of a fine art. You try writing something like this:

“Tantric training bra BBW Mormon housewife melty bubble bath.”

You get my point. And complain all you want, but this industry wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t a market for it. Oh, sure, it’s never YOU clicking on those links inside the Emails. So if you have a problem with what I do, go tell your elderly neighbor to stop, for God’s sake. You have to admit, he’s always looked a bit shifty, what with his handlebar mustache and fur coat. What’s that? …

Rise Of The Wedding Planner

Dulma Dawson had just been hired to plan Lucy Lucky’s wedding. He called her from his home office to update her on his progress.

“Good news, Ms. Lucky! I think I just might have found the perfect husband for you!”

“What?” Ms. Lucky said, “What do you mean?”

“Well, I always like to start with the basics. Can’t very well plan a wedding if you don’t have a groom, can we? Now, I think my son Morlf would make a perfect candidate, he rarely cries and only occasionally wets the carpet.”

“Wait,” Ms. Luck said. “Morlf? I just heard you say his name and I still don’t know how to pronounce it.”

“Oh don’t worry about all that,” Dawson said. “He won't hear you anyway. He’s deaf. Hasn’t been able to hear a thing since he shot himself to the moon in his cannon. I think he also suffered a little brain damage. He says everything backwards and can light candles simply by staring at them. I mean, at least he’d be useful when the power goes out.”

“I’m sure he would be,” Ms. Luck said. “But I already…

I Don’t Understand It, But I Like It: Verdicto Final

Verdicto Final is a Judge Judy-type show on Univision. Everyone seems to be on meth and they never shut up. Seriously, I only watched one segment of this particular episode and I counted approximately 99,000 cases of people arguing over each other, shouting, and I swear I heard someone threaten the life of a one-legged armadillo. I don’t speak Spanish, so I can’t tell you exactly what this particular segment was about. But, really, does it matter?

The segment I watched was from an episode called “Casero Abusador,” which roughly translates to “Wizard Beatnik Versus Miami Vice Chest Hair Guy.” I have no idea what they’re all so angry about, though it probably has something to do with Beatnik Wizard’s lack of chest hair.

Unfortunately, the bailiff is telling Miami Vice Chest Hair Guy (MVCHG) to cover up Exhibit A. I guess we have to keep things classy? Well, apparently nothing lasts in this world, not even a pubic pleasure garden.

The Wizard Beatnik is casting his “jungle rat” spell. You ca…

What Did Billy “Assman” Gunn do to Piss Vince Mcmahon Off?

Just let this song soak into your braincap for a while and then try to figure out if Billy Gunn made a bad career choice with this gimmick. More likely, this gimmick wasn’t his choice at all. Maybe this schtick was thrust upon him? In 1998, Gunn was one half of probably one of the coolest tag teams of all time, the New Age Outlaws. And then 1999 comes around and he’s suddenly the “Ass Man.” How the mighty have fallen, indeed. No doubt at some point there was some little weasel in a suit who patted him on the head and said, “Yeah, that’s right, it’s because you KICK ass, Billy.”

Consider this gem of a lyric: “I love to pick ‘em.” Also, a little further along: “I love to stick ‘em.” Ouch. First of all, kids, never pick your ass. That’s just gross. Women will never date you. Second, even if your significant other is into ass play, you should never “stick ‘em.” Other things to avoid are thrusting ‘em, busting ‘em, or pole vaulting ‘em.

So where did Billy Gunn go wrong? Was he caught spikin…