Skip to main content

The Minotaur from Camp Whatanass has Escaped!

Try not to panic! The Minotaur from Camp Whatanass has escaped and he’s ready to annoy the shit out of people. Even you might be at risk!

Some reports have already surfaced. The Minotaur has been spotted in Battery Acid Park, tickling old people until they wet themselves. He invited several of his supposed buddies to a “rad pizza party” over at his aunt’s house, but never showed up. Worst of all, he made his way to the mayor’s residence, where the humble public servant was given so many wet willies that he overdosed and started speaking in tongues.

The Minotaur from Camp Whatanass lives to annoy people. Sure, he’ll tie you to your bed and put a ball gag on you, but only so that you have to watch helplessly as he bounces up and down on the mattress while screaming “EEEAAAABAAAAA!” at you for forty-five hours in a row. But eventually he’ll let you go. He might even give you a cute nickname like “Ducksworth” or “Gandolph.”

If you happen to see the Minotaur somewhere on our fine city streets, approach with caution. Maybe start off with a corny joke. He especially likes this one: “Why couldn’t the elephant use the computer? Because he was afraid of the mouse!” When his defenses have been lowered, run like hell. There’s nothing you can do. All hope is lost.


Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Holy Terror: Terribly Mundane

Holy Terror, a horror flick released on digital platforms like Amazon Video this month, proves that it’s pretty damn hard to write and direct an original exorcism movie. Not only is this film’s story muddled, but every idea is recycled from another, better movie.
The first two minutes or so are actually quite interesting. Cool visuals, with everything a pea-green or vibrant black color. A priest named Jacob (Scott Butler), a nun (Kristine DeBell), and another priest are performing an exorcism on some poor young girl when it goes wrong and she croaks. Jacob is so flustered by the experience that he questions his faith and leaves the church. Cool story, but it’s time to forget about Jacob for about thirty minutes while we get to know a not-at-all pleasant couple, Molly (Kelly Lynn Reiter) and Tom (Jesse Hlubik), who’ve just lost their kid partially because of Molly’s neglect. Weird stuff is going on at their house and, who knows, maybe their dead kid is coming back in the form of a ghost…