Skip to main content

Prez Assures Nation His Second Term Will Be Just As Idiotic As The First

Jock Tannley, the Prez Hilton of ‘Merica, assured the people of Mugwumpville that they can expect him to be far more incompetent in his second term of office than he was during his first. And that’s saying a lot.

On election day, Prez Tannley narrowly defeated a meth-addict beaver, a hardboiled egg and a wet sock to win his second term as head janitor of the Mugwumpville preschool and the presidency of ‘Merica, a nation that exists solely in the imaginations of mentally-retarded acid freaks.

Tannley’s victory didn’t come easy. He might have lost the election if Flaggerty Bellbottoms, the pancake sculptor, hadn’t found a wet sock in some mud just outside his house and decided to nominate it for the office. The meth-addicted beaver had a small lead up to that point, but the sock effectively split the vote in Tannley’s favor.

This morning, after attending a public execution of the sock, Prez Tannley stood outside one of Mugwumpville’s finest clown colleges. He was totally nude except for a pink bow on his dangle. His hair was covered with raisins and his beard smeared with peanut butter. He read from a prepared statement.

“Ladies and germs,” he said as he adjusted the pink bow so as not to appear indecent, “these past four years you’ve come to expect very little from me. You probably figure that nothing in your lives will change, and if something does, it will be because my incompetence will fuck you up in ways you can’t even begin to imagine. Well, while my ideas may be a little unorthodox, they’re also terrible. Remember last year, when I had the streets unpaved and replaced with gummy bears? You thought I was a fool. That is until the flesh-eating ants arrived to eat the gummy bears. Then you knew I was a fool. But those ants did a lot to stimulate the economy! After all, funeral parlors were making a killing. to speak....”

When asked why his hair was on fire, Prez Tannley said, “Bargledevoom!”


Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Boy Meets Chrome: Christine

Written by Bill Phillips from a novel by Stephen King and directed by John Carpenter, Christine, released in 1983, is a love story between a boy and his car. This time, however, the car is alive and quite possessive of her boy.

She’s an older lover, too. Christine, a red Plymouth Fury, is a disheveled twenty-one years old when eighteen year old Arnie (Keith Gordon) falls for her. She’s broken down, in a state of disrepair and decay. When his best friend Dennis (Dean Stockwell) drives Arnie home after their first day of school, Arnie sees her sitting in the yard of a house that’s just as dilapidated at the car. Arnie decides he’s going to fix her, make her run again.

This movie is all about sex, love, and obsession and the moral lines that get blurred when these things interact with each other. Christine begins as Arnie and Dennis drive around discussing sex. Dennis, a football player and quite an attractive young man, has clearly had plenty of it, while Arnie is still a virgin. Denni…