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Showing posts from January, 2013

What Not To Do With Cake

Please understand that I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life. The following are merely suggestions. It’s just that there have been so many cake related injuries and fatalities lately that I feel like I would be remiss if I didn’t remind my good readers that there are certain things you just shouldn’t do with your cake.  Eating cake should be all about sharing a fun experience with people you like. It’s also a great conversation starter. Mostly conversations about diabetes. Still...
First of all, I want to talk to the young people. Please, you’ve simply got to stop putting cake inside your parents’ toilets. Sure, it’s fun to watch them sit down and say, “Oh my!” as they rise from the toilet seat, grabbing their butt cheeks and saying, “It’s all so squishy!” But after they’ve done this, there’s a good chance they’ll grab a gun and shoot you in the face. And that’s a drag, any way you hack it. Remember, some parents just aren’t as understanding as others.

By the way, what was wi…

Destroy Matt LeBlanc Before He Escapes!

Showtime’s comedy series Episodes is kind of funny and not as rotten as you might expect from a TV show starring Matt LeBlanc. Even though I generally like the programming Showtime puts out, I’ve avoided watching this show. Why?
Simple, really. My ex-wife loved the TV show Friends. I mean, all she ever did was watch that show. Granted, we were both in school and we had to cut back on stuff like cable TV, so there weren’t always a lot of choices around. Plus, I had made the mistake of buying her the first couple seasons or so on DVD for her birthday or Christmas or whatnot. She would supplement these seasons by ordering the rest on Netflix. She would go through the entire series and then start right back at the beginning. And she never just watched one show, either. Oh my God, so many episodes in a row!

It was about as awful as you’d expect. Plus, I never found the show to be even remotely funny. I found the characters irritating and whiney. Whoo-hooo! Give me a steaming pile of that sh…

Prez Assures Nation His Second Term Will Be Just As Idiotic As The First

Jock Tannley, the Prez Hilton of ‘Merica, assured the people of Mugwumpville that they can expect him to be far more incompetent in his second term of office than he was during his first. And that’s saying a lot.

On election day, Prez Tannley narrowly defeated a meth-addict beaver, a hardboiled egg and a wet sock to win his second term as head janitor of the Mugwumpville preschool and the presidency of ‘Merica, a nation that exists solely in the imaginations of mentally-retarded acid freaks.

Tannley’s victory didn’t come easy. He might have lost the election if Flaggerty Bellbottoms, the pancake sculptor, hadn’t found a wet sock in some mud just outside his house and decided to nominate it for the office. The meth-addicted beaver had a small lead up to that point, but the sock effectively split the vote in Tannley’s favor.

This morning, after attending a public execution of the sock, Prez Tannley stood outside one of Mugwumpville’s finest clown colleges. He was totally nude except for a …

The Minotaur from Camp Whatanass has Escaped!

Try not to panic! The Minotaur from Camp Whatanass has escaped and he’s ready to annoy the shit out of people. Even you might be at risk!

Some reports have already surfaced. The Minotaur has been spotted in Battery Acid Park, tickling old people until they wet themselves. He invited several of his supposed buddies to a “rad pizza party” over at his aunt’s house, but never showed up. Worst of all, he made his way to the mayor’s residence, where the humble public servant was given so many wet willies that he overdosed and started speaking in tongues.

The Minotaur from Camp Whatanass lives to annoy people. Sure, he’ll tie you to your bed and put a ball gag on you, but only so that you have to watch helplessly as he bounces up and down on the mattress while screaming “EEEAAAABAAAAA!” at you for forty-five hours in a row. But eventually he’ll let you go. He might even give you a cute nickname like “Ducksworth” or “Gandolph.”

If you happen to see the Minotaur somewhere on our fine city street…

I Love It When You Call Me Bitch Tits

Oh my precious darling, when I wake up in the morning and jiggle what I have to wiggle and you slap me on the ass and tell me to shake my curly fries over to the kitchen to fix you a vodka and orange juice, my heart simply stops for one ecstasy-filled moment. Do you realize that when you tell me you love me even though I have a micropenis, there’s simply no containing my satisfaction? And when you lock me in the closet with nothing more than a bowl of chipmunks and your pet oatmeal and go visit your boyfriend down the street, I’m simply breathless with devotion.

I love it when you call me Bitch Tits. Though you certainly don’t need my permission, you can continue to call me that whenever you’d like. And, yes, you may also drill some holes in my body and use me as a pool table at our party next weekend.

Your love is like an anvil falling on my head. Your love is like a swimming pool filled with epileptic ducks. Your love bloats me with expired dairy products. Your love is like bacon grea…