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Showing posts from 2013

Dandelion by Baby Woodrose is My New Jam!

This song, "Dandelion" wears its psychedelic throwback weirdness on its sleeve.

The band, Baby Woodrose, is from Denmark. Maybe that means something?

I love psychedelic bands. I listen the the Byrds all the time. My favorite Beatles albums are Sgt Pepper and Magical Mystery Tour.

"If I was a grain of sand, I could slip right through your hand," she sings...well....yeah.....

This is my jam, man!

OMG! Steroids!

I love this. Old tabloid shows are awesome.

I love how the narrator keeps calling pro wrestling a "sport."

It's funny to remember how "shocked" people seemed that Hulk Hogan was using steroids.

No, no, he was just a hard worker who took his vitamins and said his prayers.

Well, lucky for 'ol Hulk, if you've seen his recent sex tape, it's obvious the steroids didn't affect his downstairs doorknocker.

I think that's something we can all be thankful for.

Some Of The Most Beautiful Music I've Ever Heard Coming From An Instrument I've Never Heard Of

Very spacey, very new age, entrancing.

This flying saucer looking instrument is called a "Hang."

This is seriously some very relaxing stuff.

The instrument kind of looks like a tit. Which is pretty distracting. I went to another page and just listened to the music

Despite being a dirty hippie, this guy can really play. Props, dude, props.

LSD? Psychosis? Probably Not, But It Looks Pretty Cool

This machine is supposed to simulate a state of psychosis through "digital LSD."

I've never had an acid trip like this. Colors don't just change drastically like that.

And I'm not sure how anything can "simulate psychosis" because the psychotic state is so intertwined with a particular individual's mind.

Is it wrong that I want to try this machine because it seems like fun?

Caleb J. Ross Destroys The Lives Of Hobos, Discusses Great Facial Hair

If you've ever wondered what a "sideways mullet" is, you should watch this video.

Also, awesome jokes about hobos.

Also, Caleb J. Ross takes his shirt off.

Correction: Caleb J. Ross does not take his shirt off. I wish he would stop ignoring my e-mail.

LLoyd Kaufman Getting Beat Up By Some Asshole

Lloyd Kaufman makes lowbrow, sleazy movies, sure, but they're just goofy fun and even occasionally feature some lefty liberal social commentary. I mean, how do you figure on movies with titles like Sgt Kabukiman NYPD and The Toxic Avenger being anything other than good wholesome perverted fun?

This Morton Downey Jr. fella was an 80's trash TV talk show host who was kind of like a less classy version of Jerry Springer. He was loud and obnoxious and chain smoked so much that it killed him. Even as a kid, I remember watching this guy's show and thinking, "This guy's an asshole."

He really was an asshole.

In this clip, Morton Downey Jr. screams and points his finger at a bearded and skinny Lloyd Kaufman and his partner. Then a bunch of old guys in suits grab the two and drag them away, without either of the poor schlubs getting a word in edgewise.

Oh yeah, then there's the lame-o, scripted joke at the end where Downey's underlings pass the buck and blame…

Jacob Panic: "One Of These Days"

I met Jacob Panic at Bushwaller's, a little dive bar in Frederick, MD, last week. He is awesome.

Not only has he invented this here new genre of music he calls "pop grass," which combines power-pop with bluegrass, but he's a hell of a nice guy.

Not for nothing, but he can also play a hell of a banjo. Also, just a little thing of course, he played every instrument on his newest album.

"One Of These Days," from his album Pop Grass is one of the best examples of this power-pop/bluegrass synthesis. If you dig this tune, you can buy the album here.

I'll write more about this cat a little later.

Hellbound Glory Releases "Streets Of Aberdeen"

A quiet, lonesome song released by Leroy Virgil as a gift to fans on Halloween.

Another reason why Hellbound Glory is the best damn underground country band around.

Favorite lines from the song: If we all die tomorrow / send us out to sea / let those simple songs come back in harmony 

Bill Nye Vs. Creationism

Bill Nye is awesome.

When I was a kid, his show annoyed me. Which is saying a lot, considering what I was watching at the time.

But this video is great. He absolutely destroys creationism without attacking anyone's religion. Which means he doesn't come off as a complete cock. Which means maybe some people who need to hear this will actually listen to his message.


Wayne Mason's "Swallowing Purgatory" Will Destroy Your Sanity

Put this one on for alarm clock madness. Loud, louder.

You'll wake up wondering who has been shooting tear gas cannister and slowly running glass shards up and down your flesh and why the devil are there bombs dropping outside your bedroom window.

Warning! This track might fuck you up. Proceed with caution.

Paxman Vs. Brand: I Guess Celebrities Are A Little Different In Britain

This video was really making the rounds on my Facebook feed this morning. I was pretty taken aback because, while I'm used to celebrities being left of center, I can't recall anyone who's called for an outright worldwide socialist revolution, as Brand does in this interview. I suppose Michael Moore comes closest, but he became famous because of his his political documentaries and writings, not for something like acting, where the artform can be separated from the artist's personal views.

This interview blew my mind in a lot of ways. I'm still mulling over what I think of it, so for now I'll just leave it here:

Justin Symbol's "Emerald City"

Well, then. So Justin Symbol is working on his debut solo album and from what he's released so far, I'm damn excited to hear the whole thing.

The video for his song "Emerald City" was directed by Jazeel Gayle, an obviously talented dude. I'm sure this thing was shot in maybe one or two locations and on a minimal budget, but that doesn't stop it from having a mythic feel. The genius was the merging of clips from The Wizard of OZ seamlessly with the new footage through the use of lighting and editing. The right shading here, the right colors there, add an odd juxtaposition or two and the video looks much bigger than its budget. Gayle and Symbol have created  a very interesting world here.

The song itself is a little more psychedelic, a little more pop than the stuff we heard Symbol sing with his band Nursing Home. The pop elements dull the edges a bit, curbing some of the nihilism and rage that we heard on Nursing Home's self-titled debut EP.

For my part, …

Teen Wolf: The Most Inspiring Werewolf Movie Ever Made

I don't give a shit what came after this movie. Teen Wolf, the original 1985 movie about a small town kid who leads his basketball team to victory after discovering that he can turn into a werewolf, is the only thing with that title worth watching. I watched this VHS tape so much when I was a kid that the picture got all snowy and the tape finally gave up on itself and died.

And this was all from a recording of a TV broadcast where they replaced the word "dick" with "it." Boy howdy, was my young mind saved from being traumatized by foul language.

Anyway, Scott Howard, the aforementioned teenage wolf, uses his superpowers for a good cause: getting his high school basketball team to the "regional championship." But when the big game comes, Scott decides that, goddamn it, if they're going to win the game, they're going to do it on their own, without the help of a superhuman creature that somehow never made the national news or even anything beyo…

You're Gonna Want Jamie and Peter Miller's Brains!

Brains! (My B.F. Freddy) is a funny, lovingly-made tribute to the campy horror movies that many of us grew up on in the 1980's. The flick opens with writer/director Jaime Miller getting a series of spooky prank calls. Who can it be? "But it was just a B movie!" the voice on the other end of the line says, and then the hilarity really begins.

There's plenty of campy gore, monsters and even a zombie band, in which my old friend Ben Gallaway plays one of the guitar players. Take note: his official credit is "Scantily Clad 'Flea' Zombie." The other guitar player in the group, played by Jaime's husband Peter (who also helped with the special effects) is listed as "Cobain" Zombie. Hey, take this as a warning! Okay? Good. Let's go...

Jaime and Peter wrote the song about a year ago. I believe that one day it will replace "Monster Mash" as the ultimate Halloween novelty song. I mean, I don't want to overplay things here, but …

The Beat Generation's Saddest Moment

Ah, so here it is: one of the saddest meltdowns in literary history: Jack Kerouac on William Buckley's Firing Line. And it's caught on tape forever. Bravo! Or not.

Well, anyway, most people familiar with Beat Lore know the story. Jack was incredibly drunk, acting like a buffoon and saying crazy things like the reason we were fighting the Vietnam War was so that the Vietnamese could get jeeps into their country. Kerouac was there to discuss politics, something he obviously knew nothing about. But, more importantly, it was a subject he found repellant and preferred not discussing at all. During one of the few lucid moments on the program, Kerouac explains that, to him, the Beat movement meant "beatitude," and he wasn't at all happy with what he saw as a spiritual movement being dragged into politics.

There's an especially sad moment where Kerouac points out angrily that Allen Ginsberg, by now a chubby and bearded Hippie, is sitting in the audience. Ginsberg wa…

The Speed Kings, Starring Mabel Normand

Like a sitcom that features a guest appearance by a sports hero from the NBA or NFL, "The Speed Kings" features famous auto racers from the early 20th Century. (It was released in 1913.) Luckily these films were silent, so you didn't have to hear the racers speak, avoiding the stops, stutters and general awkwardness we're forced to put up with today. "The Speed Kings" also features Ford Sterling as Mabel's creepy father, which is weird because Sterling plays Normand's creepy potential lover in "A Muddy Romance," which came out the same year. Yup. Mull on that one for a little while.

Scott McClanahan's Hill William Book Trailer Is The Best Kind Of Weird

Scott McClanahan is a great writer. Look him up. His stories, mostly centered around the lives of poor folks in West Virginia, are heartbreaking, funny and sometimes pretty weird. But none of them are half as weird as this book trailer for his upcoming novel, Hill William. The video features Conan the Barbarian, McClanahan in trashy lipstick, an 80's sweatband and...well, livestock. It's certainly fascinating. Have you had your weird fix today? Getcha some before it's gone!

Leo Wyatt Covers The Beatles' Song Yesterday - And It Sounds Great!

There's got to be at least half a dozen Beatles songs that even people who aren't even Beatles fans can instantly recognize. "Yesterday" by Paul McCartney is certainly one of those songs. I don't know why anyone would even try to cover this song, but this Leo Wyatt fella did, and I'll be damned if it's not only a very good version, but a unique take on the song. Listen to it now!

Jerry Lewis Pantomimes Through The Sound Era

With apologies to Harpo Marx, I don't think I'm alone when I make the claim that Jerry Lewis was probably the best pantomime of the post-silent era. He really understood what it was about. He got the acrobatics of it. He really knew how to use his body as a comic instrument. One doesn't always need a clever punchline to be funny. Silent comedians did just fine without them. With that in mind, check out this compilation that some kind soul edited together that showcases Lewis' brilliant pantomime:

Blood On My Underwear by Yankee Bang Bang Makes Me Feel Weird In My Salty Parts

The music video for the song "Blood On My Underwear," performed by Yankee Bang Bang and directed by Sita Bang Bang and John Wlaysewski, is apparently about a bizarro world where feminine products cause people to turn into zombies. I guess it's a metaphor for dudes freaking out during a woman's period? Anyway, I can't understand a single word from the song except for the refrain: "And I don't care if I get blood on my underwear." But even if I don't really understand it, I like it. It's weird. I like weird things. Also, it looks like everyone who worked on this piece was having a fucking blast, so that has to count for something.

Thanks to JP Marin and Cole Jett for letting me know about this video!

Get Your Psychedelic Fix With Sea Fix

It was twelve years ago when I, a fresh-faced drunk of barely twenty-one years, made the journey from Trussville, Alabama to Atlanta to see my cousin Chris Hoke's band 3d5spd (pronounced 3D five speed) play to a packed crowd in a smokey music club (these were the days when music clubs were allowed to be smokey). The group had become something of a local cult band by that time. All the major alt-weeklies had written about them and their music was in regular rotation on several college radio stations.

The show I was attending had 3d5spd opening for The Dismemberment Plan, who were about to (literally in the next couple of days or so) head off to Europe to open for Pearl Jam. I'm guessing this was probably the band's peak, as far as live performances go, and I was glad I had been there to witness it.

So here I am twelve years later, listening to Chris's newest band, Sea Fix. These days, he's joined by Chris Rowell, Bret Estep and Tony Oliver. Based out of Birmingham,…

Fatty Arbuckle Proves That Flirting Can Get You Shot

Keep this 1914 Fatty Arbuckle short in mind next time you feel like flirting with someone other than your life partner. You never know when you might accidentally be hitting on a gun-wielding maniac. A Flirt's Mistake has all the Keystone Kops chaos that you expect, but with an added message: misogyny is not cool and it could lead to getting a cap in your ass. However, racist Indian stereotypes? Well....we certainly had a long way to go in some areas....

A Noir Music Video Sourced From Old Beer Commercials

Childproof's music video for their song "Dance While The Sky Falls" could leave you with the strange feeling that something is missing. You might at first think that something is missing from the video itself, but that's not it, is it? No, something is missing inside yourself. There's a loneliness inside you that this video brings to the surface.

It's a semi-tragic Lynchian noir film with perhaps some Cronenberg thrown in for good measure. The odd thing is that the footage comes from old Michelob beer commercials from the 80's. As such, the piece is drenched in irony, but only if you're aware of the source material. Putting that aside, however, the piece somehow becomes devoid of irony and becomes a very sincere meditation on the nature of loneliness.

Sure, the people in this video hook up, kiss, embrace. But those moments are always fleeting and soon the loneliness creeps in again.

childproof - dance while the sky falls from tv grey on Vimeo.

Nazism Without Pants: Donald Duck In WWII

In terms of war propaganda cartoons, Der Fuehrer's Face is pretty tame. I mean, we all remember the lashing that Saddam Hussein got from the creators of South Park a decade or so ago. Donald Duck's journey through Nazism is actually kind of cute. And that song at the beginning is pretty catchy, too. Makes you think maybe them Nazis weren't all that bad. Okay, so the cartoon's caricatures of Japanese and German folks is a tad racist. But they get an absolutely FABULOUS dance number which, yeah, is pretty homophobic, but at least it showed that the Nazis weren't above having a good time. And who doesn't like having fun? Fucking Communists is who. But we had to leave them out of this cartoon because they were sort of our allies at that point.

I don't think it's exactly a spoiler to say that by the end of the story, Donald Duck wakes up to find out that the whole thing was just a terrible nightmare. He's still in the good 'ol U.S. of A! He loves Am…

We're All Gonna Be Cyborgs!

Plain ol' everyday reality is boring. Luckily, Google Glass is coming to fix all that. Short of arming antelopes with death rays, there's no way of stopping this technology. Get used to it. Augmented reality has replaced reality-reality (which is boring. It's mostly just trees. Trees and grass.) No need to live life anymore. Just record it and watch it later, when you're on the toilet or at your boss's funeral.

In ten years your children will be cyborgs. And your cat? A cyborg. EVEN YOUR OATMEAL WILL BE CYBORG.

I think a lot of us feel like reality is kind of played out anyway. It's so passe.

Also, there's this:

That's right! The illuminati! He went there.

I, for one, welcome the coming of the cyborg race.

Marlon Brando Delivers One Of History's Best Backhanded Compliments

The Marlon Brando / Dick Cavett interview from 1973 is wonderful for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the way that Brando seems totally zoinked and in love with the complete importance of everything he has to say while feigning that he just doesn't care about these sorts of things. This show is just such a bizarre train wreck.

For me, though, the best part is where Brando basically calls out the entire talk show industry, saying it's a place that makes money off the humiliation of other people, all for the sake of a mindless beer-drinking audience who sit at home staring at their TV as a way of forgetting their mundane, useless lives. Not that he was totally wrong, of course. I'm just glad that we've come so far since then....

Man, you can almost see Brando doing air quotes when he tells Dick Cavett that he should be commended for trying to do shows that touch on serious issues. This little speech came just after Cavett had asked Brando whether it was tr…

Dispatches From A Rodeo

On a lark, the wife and I went to the J Bar W Ranch for a rodeo. Saturday, July 20th, 2013. The ranch is about twenty minutes northeast from our apartment in Frederick, MD.
The spectacle fascinated me. It was completely engrossing. At times I felt guilty about how entertaining I found the whole thing. Whenever a rider mounted a bull, there was always a chance they might die trying to ride the thing, however slight. The spectre of death haunted this family-friendly event. They didn’t sell booze. The announcer didn’t curse. There were children everywhere, clapping and cheering. Late in the evening, a bull fell over, crushing a cowboy under its weight. He lay in the dirt, completely unconscious. The other cowboys jumped in to help. On the benches behind us were two kids who couldn’t have been older than seven. They were laughing and pointing at the gruesome scene. Where were their parents?
There are two fundamentally opposing elements here - the bulls are tamed, but only enough that…

The Unicorn Dies At Midnight

So I was in my neighbor's backyard. We were drinking beer and watching his pet unicorn give birth. Three tiny baby unicorns, covered head to toe in a green ooze, violently chewed their way out of the proud momma unicorn's eyeballs, gnashing at the flesh that had given them life. Ah, welcome to the world, young ones! Such a sight to see!

My neighbor, an 82 year old porn star named Muff Diverson, had invited me over to drink a massive amount of booze and watch this crazy spectacle. I had enough beer in my belly to tip over a cow. It was really getting gurgly in there. Suddenly, I let out a massive fart. The gas explosion sounded like a chorus of trumpets playing "Give My Love To Rose." This was the name of my neighbor's unicorn. My neighbor suspected immediately that I must have been giving the package goods to his beloved mythical animal.

Soon, the guy was chasing me around his yard with an axe in one hand and a contract for child support payments in the other. I…

My Night Terrors Bring All The Boys To The Yard

I was born without the ability to tell the difference between a gopher and an insurance salesman with a grudge. Which is unfortunate, considering that my father was an insurance salesman with an irrational hatred of gophers. I was pretty confused as a boy. But the differences became clearer as I got a little older. For one thing, gophers don’t usually piss on the living room carpet while wearing nothing but alligator-skin eyebrow covers. So, like I was saying, the other day I was trying to figure out why Cuba Gooding Jr was walking down the sidewalk behind me, throwing Life Savers at the back of my neck. I mean, just following me around all day doing that. Where was he keeping all these candies? How many pockets did this man have? Well, there came a point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I turned around to face my tormentor. “Listen, Cuba Gooding Jr,” I said, “what’s the deal? Why are you tossing sweets at me?” Cuba Gooding Jr’s response was to squeal like an infant while mak…

Why I'm Already Loving Dexter's Final Season

Electric Indian By Plaeground

I hadn't heard of the group Plaeground until one half of the EDM combo, Will S, send me a cryptic Facebook message. It was just a link to their Soundcloud page and a smiley-face emoticon. OK, sure, why not? Then I looked at his profile picture. A bearded dude with dreadlocks. Nooo! Hippie music! But because I'm cool like that, I checked out their music anyway.

I liked the first few tracks I listened to on their Soundcloud page, but I'm more of an album kind of guy than an individual track (suit) fella. So I went to their Bandcamp page and downloaded their 2010 album, Electric Indian, Volume 2. It cost me free dollars, which, of course, meant that I didn't spend any cheddar on the thing. Which means that if you like their songs, there's really no reason not to download their tunes. And if you live in Maryland, you should consider seeing them live.

I say this because I really like their music. My idea of consciousness expansion lately has been cold fever dreams and …

childproof's First Recordings!

Spider porridge b/w moneyshot (androgynous) is the newest release from the Mugwump Corporation's favorite band, childproof. But the tracks themselves aren't anything new. In fact, they're pretty old. Humble songwriter JP Marin was just seventeen when he recorded these tracks, way back when weird kids in black shirts were recording their tunes onto cassette tapes. Our younger readers can feel free to Email me and I'll explain what a cassette tape is.

What I like about both of these songs is that you can already sort of see the beginnings of the two very different directions the band would come to take. These days, childproof records foot-tapping pop songs a la "dance while the sky falls." At the same time, they play improvisational noise music with the    likes of New York's Gary Wilson and Thee Pause.

You can hear both of these tendencies most clearly on the song "moneyshot (androgynous)". There's the Beatles influence in the vocals, but the…

Tony Danza Taps On Walls To Make Sure There Aren't Any Trolls Or Gremlins Inside

You probably know Tony Danza from the hit 80's sitcom, Who's The Boss? What you might not know is that he's a paranoid freak who should never be left alone with power tools, tiny uncles, rodents that smoke hashish or even Michael Buble.

Folks, this whole thing has just gotten way out of control. Tony Danza is so insane that just the other day he forced dozens of bunny rabbits to wear cammo onesies and hop across the street to harass his neighbor. In order to prepare his rabbit army for battle, Tony Danza stood on an apple crate with several banana nut bread muffins stacked atop his head and said, "Hark! Let us go forth with extreme jocularity and with a vibration of our testicals so strong and hearty that it will make the gods sing in triumph!" And they marched across the street into the neighbor's yard and started right off making fun of the guy's tiny pear-shaped hands. Then the old man fell over dead. And Tony Danza just laughed and laughed as his bun…

Nursing Home's Debut EP

While it's true that the band Nursing Home is heavily rooted in darker electro-based rock from the 90's (bands like Orgy and Mindless Self Indulgence come to mind), they're unique enough to firmly place them in the 21st Century. But that's kind of an odd quirk we have about rock-n-roll, isn't it? Nobody would say to a bluesman that his stuff reminds them of the kind of blues people were playing only fifteen years ago. But with rock and other forms of popular music, ten years on and a certain sound is considered ancient, a freakin' relic. Rock people have really lost their concept of Cosmic Time. A sad thought, indeed.

This self-titled debut album includes four songs and a short intro track. It's got a slower tempo than you might expect from this kind of music. It's appropriate, though, considering the themes on the album. Characters sludging through a drug-fueled life, the horror of the everyday. Life creaking along, slowly, slowly. A very nice artisti…

Hey Jerk, When Are You Going To Take Me To Funkytown?

So for the past few decades I've been like, "Won't you take me to Funkytown?" and you always give me some lame-o cop-out answer. "Nah, can't do it, buddy," you say. "I'm sanding my cat." Or you say something like, "I'd really love to, but I have to pour pickle juice over my grandmother. I've been delaying for weeks and now she's well past due."

This is all so disappointing, especially since you've always said such awesome things about Funkytown. All that talk about people walking down the streets, swinging their hips to and fro, saying things like, "Heeey soul cracka!" and "Oh honey child, you've sure got some sassy toenails!" Is it true that we get to wear a glittery cape if we want to? And that this is a place where James Brown never truly died?

I'd just go to the place by myself, but I can't find it on Google Maps. Is it true that you can only get there via Sex Machine? Will I s…

Daisy Kids Release First Single, Square In The Minor

Momma always said you ain't gonna play no harp with a shotgun. But I disagree. And the Daisy Kids' first single, "Square In The Minor" is proof.

The first official release from Thee Pause and Daisy Berkowitz, this track is full of practical advice for nursing homes and caretakers of all types. "Clean out your head with LSD" being the most practical piece of advice, naturally. And...bravo! Because LSD is good for a great deal of things, including sharpening your sense of humor, something you'll want to have when you listen to the Daisy Kids or follow them on Facebook. Thee Pause programs the beats for the danceaholics in the room and Berkowitz handles guitar and vocals. Add the kitchen sink and you have "Shoot the shit pipe," which is more than just a lyric from the song, but a mantra for the post-aquatic ape theory generation. If we're going to live up to the hype promised in Ancient Aliens, we're gonna need songs like these to help u…

Saturnalian Penis Rites

Is anyone else really sick of bands that call themselves experimental but insist on using guitar, bass and drums while maintaining popular song structures and making use of rhythms, melodies and beats?  While there is no reason you can't make experimental with those, playing chord based hippie music and singing about forks does not make you experimental.  It makes you a lazy cunt.  If you want to be experimental, then learn to play a fork, not write a song about one.  Learn to harmonize with the sounds of your bowel movements and make a recording of that.  Wire a speaker into your mother's pacemaker whilst reading aloud from a road atlas.  That would be experimental.  People seem too worried about what "fans" think.  Not enough people just have fun doing it.

Sorry but you guys may be stuck with me for a few days.  Apparently the normal writer of this blog is being detained while he's being investigated for unlicensed sodomy with an underage equine.  We here at Th…

Equum Copulatum

As some of you may know, Patrick King and I have been friends since before either of us had killed our first man in battle.  Still fledglings, we were.  We used to sit around and drink beer and weave stories like rugs of butt hair.  I lent him some taste in good music and he tried to do the same, but come on, who actually likes the Counting Crows?  I spent more time at his house than my own and called his mother "Mom," still do.  We even dated sisters and at one point decided to switch up.  I only say this to give you an idea of how well I should know him.  Last night, however, I was shocked beyond belief by his unforeseeable and unforgivable actions.

I'd just finished shucking a large pile of bearded clams.  My fingers were as slimy as could be.  Since I don't have any running water, I usually go wipe my hands in a pile of straw I keep for my horses.  As I was approaching the stables I heard my best mare Beulah making sounds of distress.  I opened the creaky stable…

First Week: Han Solo. Second Week: Meh, Everything Else, I Guess

Welcome to my class, kids. You'll notice that the first thing listed on the syllabus is "Han Solo." This should be self-explanatory, but I'll elaborate a bit. We'll spend a few days on his hair, a few more on his bravery and a few more on wisecracks. I believe strongly that there's little about life that can't be learned by thoroughly studying Han Solo. Sure, Spinoza had a few good ideas, but could he teach Jabba how to get that weird stain out of his carpet, and look good while doing it? I didn't think so. Suck it, Spinoza.

Han Solo once impersonated my daughter just so he could look up at me with them little baby eyes of his and see if it couldn't make my heart melt. Well, melt my heart did, and right through my chest! After a while it congealed like ketchup and I wondered, gee, will I ever get asked to the prom like this? Would Goat-faced Martha ever look at me the same way again? Would it cause a scandal at the church? Would I ever be able to…

Nubile Tortoise Trampoline Striptease

You ever go to a party and someone gasps and then you look down and realize that you've completely forgotten to wear any pants or underwear? You definitely don't want this to happen, and especially not at your Granny's 100th birthday party, around fifty or so of her best friends at the retirement home. However, even worse is when they mistake your micropenis for an outie belly button and they poke it and go "boop!" and then give you a quarter.

That day, I left the place with over five hundred quarters.

What to do with that sudden windfall? Invest it, of course! And I found the perfect thing to put my money in: a trampoline tortoise! Not literally, of course, we wouldn't want the little guy to get all weighed down and not be able to bounce around anymore. No, we're putting this shit on YouTube. My friend Bobby, who found the little guy wandering around his back yard the other day, has agreed to let me share in the profits if I toss in some cash for the li…

Who Are The Daisy Kids?

A new band? A crew of interdimensional beer pong champions? Psychedelic rockin' dance musicians gone completely mad? We have very little information to go on at this point, but what we do know is that this is a collaboration between Daisy Berkowitz and THEE PAUSE. It is, if nothing else, guaranteed to be just a little mind-blowing. Here's what they have to say for themselves at their official site:

TRack Race fans know all about the glittering gold sonics that await them whenever the guerilla game is on. Presence of The Daisy Kids is similar and different at the same time - like all humanity. You have heard the past before. NOW hear it again in the future. The lysergic experience ages well for those possessing fine camp fire wine and song. If you remember the Americana TV phrase that preys "stay tuned" - then do so.

Adventures In Self Lobotomy

For some reason, the government frowns on self-lobotomies. It's not safe, they say. You're scooping your brains out with a rusty spoon, they say. You left your skull cap on the floor and your cat's sitting in it, they say.

All true. But it was the only solution. You see, I write the copy for the covers of those tabloids you see near the checkout line of nearly every supermarket in America. The other day, I wrote the title of an article that featured Kim Kardashian, who's gained a few pounds as a result of being pregnant. It read: "Retarded Whale Beaches Itself On The Streets Of New York." A tad harsh maybe, and I'll admit that the first thing that came to mind after writing it was that after work I should ejaculate into a hooker's ear. But the second thing that came to mind was that I just might be exposing children to morally bankrupt messages simply because they're accompanying their parents to the grocery store.

This was bad. I was starting to…

Revenge Of The Mullet People

By the age of thirteen, I had matured into a fully-functional cyborg entity named the Crystaline Cupcake. I was supposed to be programmed to keep America safe from the Mole People. Turns out there was a mix up at the factory and I was actually programmed to destroy all the mullet people. As a result, the entire town of Corner, Alabama was wiped off the map.

Well, either way, I was good at my job. Too good. They found me, man. Drink your milk, kids, but sometimes even strong bones will only get you so far in this world. Nothing can protect you from the foul stench of a Muskrat Bomb. You can't wash the smell away, even if you use plenty of SPAM. It's there forever. You'll never have friends again. Only ostriches will accept your company, and then only after you've given them a perm and loaned them the first season of 21 Jump Street. They think that Johnny Depp guy is just oh so dreamy. And who can blame them?

I just can't rid myself of the desire to destroy mullets.…

Granny's New Hobby

When I asked Granny where she was going the other night and she answered, “Baby Fight Club,” I was horrified. Images of toddlers being tossed into a flaming barbed-wire cage and gnawing at each other’s flesh danced around my head. However, that wasn’t where Granny was going. Turned out she was into something much worse.

No actual babies are involved in Baby Fight Club. Instead, senior citizens get together in an abandoned warehouse where they drink themselves silly and get totally nekkid except for an oversized diaper. Then they rub peanut butter all over themselves and proceed to get into the most brutal tickle fights this far east of the Mississippi. 

I can see all sorts of terrible things happening here.

Not that I have much room to talk. I was once involved with a group of Swedish performance artists who were working on a way to give everyone in the world an extra toe. Unfortunately, it would be someone else’s toe. Hey, live and learn, right?

Except I didn’t. A little later I joined a…

Welcome to Happy Village, Where Hugs Are Free!

Welcome to Happy Village, where hugs are fee. Did I say fee? Well, I meant that we'll murder you with a chainsaw as soon as you enter the gates. For a fee. Not too unreasonable, right? You just walk through the gate and a happy ticket taker named McGreasy tips his top hat to you and pinches you on the ass. Not that he's a pervert, mind you. It's just that the tapeworms have gone to his brain and he can't tell the difference between a soft tushy and a pelican having a seizure. And everyone knows that the only way to stop a pelican seizure is to pinch you on the ass.

You ever shaved a gorilla with purple Jello? Of course not. It doesn't work. You can't shave a gorilla unless you tie it down first. And what would your mother think if she saw a gorilla tied to your bed? You should put more thought into these kinds of things. And call your mother.

And while you're at it, maybe you could take her to Happy Village, where we'll shower you with gifts. And that&…

Death And The Possum

Driving home from work, thinking about that junky in my life and the pain he's causing everyone, but mostly just hoping he's not killing himself. Is it possible to be cursed? Is that a real thing? Listening to NPR, I hear that George Jones has just died. Naturally, they play "He Stopped Loving Her Today." A predictable choice, but it's a great song so why not. And there's everything going on. The junky and his wife getting their fix somewhere in Alabama, no contact with anyone but other junkies and then the chorus of the song begins to play and my eyes fill with tears. Stay focused. How to explain a grief-stricken car accident? Stay focused on the road ahead. Ah, but that song about unconditional love for someone who doesn't love you back and the Possum's voice reaching its emotional peak and now he's dead, though almost a miracle in itself he made it to 81 years. The news story's over. I switch to the pop music radio station. They're pla…

When Tragedy Strikes, It's Best To Laugh At The Situation

Our country has had more than its fair share of tragedies this past month. Feelings of anger, helplessness and sadness are natural reactions to the kinds of horrific events we've had to deal with. But maybe we can start to heal, just a little bit, by laughing at The Situation.

I mean, just look at the guy!

Here's a fun fact: The Situation and Bristol Palin once made an anti-teen pregnancy video. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: Isn't just looking at The Situation kind of like birth control? Well, of course it is. In the last few years there have been zero cases of teen pregnancy. You can look it up. And if you ever run into The Situation, give him an officer's salute and hearty handshake. He done good, boys.

Also, in possibly one of the first reverse-endorsement deals in the history of fashion, Abercrombie & Fitch paid the guy NOT to wear their clothes. That's right, they felt so strongly that his association with their brand would lose them money tha…

Preparing to Bake Your Cat

Baking your cat can be tough. For one thing, they're wiggly little fuckers. For another, they're not really fans of being roasted alive in a hellfire. But there are a few things you can do to make the process a little easier, both on your cat and yourself. For one thing, if your cat is playing guitar in the living room, just walk up to him and give him a few scratches under the chin while saying, "Cool song, bro." Making your cat feel as if nothing's out of the ordinary is key. Also, it wouldn't hurt to shave all the hair off of your head and body. Sure, your cat might laugh at you, but summer's coming and it doesn't hurt to stay cool and avoid heatstroke.

The worst thing you can do is coddle your cat. Giving Dr. Fluffy some rubs before you bake him will only remind you of the good times the two of you had together, such as the first time you saw those big, sad kitty eyes looking up at you with a kind of peace and serenity that God gave all his innoc…