Skip to main content

He Can't See Shit!



Mudwhistle Taint, winner of Mugwumpville’s prestigious  Radioactive Telephone Booth award for the past three years, was spotted by an eyewitness on a bench in Uptight Cracker Park completely covered in shit. It wasn’t long before old Granny Foxtrot, that gallopin’ gossip, approached Taint and poked him with her cane.

“Wake up!” she said. “You young rapscallion!” Finally, Taint began to stir. “Boy,” Granny said, “do you realize you’ve gotten shit all over them nice clothes of yours?”

“Madame,” Taint said as he sat up, “I can see the birds and the bees and the little squirrels in the trees, but I can’t see shit.”

“But son,” Granny Foxtrot said, “you can smell it, can’t you?”

“Oh yeah. That neither. No.”

Granny Foxtrot’s eyes watered. “Young man,” she said, “I don’t mean to be forward, but do you have someone special in your life? You see, sometimes I gets to poopin’ myself and I just can’t stop. I’m a regular turd factory. It sure would be nice to have someone sweet on me who don’t judge me none. Why, I think I’d be the happiest old woman in the world if you agreed to marry me and be my blushing husband.”

“I’ll do you one better,” Taint said. He stood up and smiled at Granny Foxtrot. Then there was a flash of light and Mudwhistle Taint had disappeared. In his place was a tiny kangaroo, no more than two feet tall.

“You can see the real me,” the kangaroo formerly known as Mudwhistle Taint said. I’ve finally found my perfect match. I’m not what I appear to be, Granny Foxtrot. And neither are you. Am I right?”

Granny Foxtrot’s eyes began to water. Then there was another flash of light. Granny Foxtrot had changed into a five-foot tall turd with peanuts for eyes. “I’ve been waiting my entire life for someone like you,” she said. “You still can’t smell me, even with your super kangaroo sense of smell?”

“Oh I can smell you,” Mudwhistle Taint, the tiny kangaroo, said. “I just don’t care.”

And so Granny Foxtrot and Mudwhistle Taint hopped away, a giant turd and a tiny kangaroo that had finally found love. Our eyewitness had no idea where they went, nor any inclination to follow.

The Mugwump Corporation would like to wish the new couple all the happiness in the world. And a speedy recovery.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Boy Meets Chrome: Christine

Written by Bill Phillips from a novel by Stephen King and directed by John Carpenter, Christine, released in 1983, is a love story between a boy and his car. This time, however, the car is alive and quite possessive of her boy.

She’s an older lover, too. Christine, a red Plymouth Fury, is a disheveled twenty-one years old when eighteen year old Arnie (Keith Gordon) falls for her. She’s broken down, in a state of disrepair and decay. When his best friend Dennis (Dean Stockwell) drives Arnie home after their first day of school, Arnie sees her sitting in the yard of a house that’s just as dilapidated at the car. Arnie decides he’s going to fix her, make her run again.

This movie is all about sex, love, and obsession and the moral lines that get blurred when these things interact with each other. Christine begins as Arnie and Dennis drive around discussing sex. Dennis, a football player and quite an attractive young man, has clearly had plenty of it, while Arnie is still a virgin. Denni…