He Can't See Shit!



Mudwhistle Taint, winner of Mugwumpville’s prestigious  Radioactive Telephone Booth award for the past three years, was spotted by an eyewitness on a bench in Uptight Cracker Park completely covered in shit. It wasn’t long before old Granny Foxtrot, that gallopin’ gossip, approached Taint and poked him with her cane.

“Wake up!” she said. “You young rapscallion!” Finally, Taint began to stir. “Boy,” Granny said, “do you realize you’ve gotten shit all over them nice clothes of yours?”

“Madame,” Taint said as he sat up, “I can see the birds and the bees and the little squirrels in the trees, but I can’t see shit.”

“But son,” Granny Foxtrot said, “you can smell it, can’t you?”

“Oh yeah. That neither. No.”

Granny Foxtrot’s eyes watered. “Young man,” she said, “I don’t mean to be forward, but do you have someone special in your life? You see, sometimes I gets to poopin’ myself and I just can’t stop. I’m a regular turd factory. It sure would be nice to have someone sweet on me who don’t judge me none. Why, I think I’d be the happiest old woman in the world if you agreed to marry me and be my blushing husband.”

“I’ll do you one better,” Taint said. He stood up and smiled at Granny Foxtrot. Then there was a flash of light and Mudwhistle Taint had disappeared. In his place was a tiny kangaroo, no more than two feet tall.

“You can see the real me,” the kangaroo formerly known as Mudwhistle Taint said. I’ve finally found my perfect match. I’m not what I appear to be, Granny Foxtrot. And neither are you. Am I right?”

Granny Foxtrot’s eyes began to water. Then there was another flash of light. Granny Foxtrot had changed into a five-foot tall turd with peanuts for eyes. “I’ve been waiting my entire life for someone like you,” she said. “You still can’t smell me, even with your super kangaroo sense of smell?”

“Oh I can smell you,” Mudwhistle Taint, the tiny kangaroo, said. “I just don’t care.”

And so Granny Foxtrot and Mudwhistle Taint hopped away, a giant turd and a tiny kangaroo that had finally found love. Our eyewitness had no idea where they went, nor any inclination to follow.

The Mugwump Corporation would like to wish the new couple all the happiness in the world. And a speedy recovery.

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