Skip to main content

A Tribute to the Ramshackle Factory

Making ramshackles is very important work. Luckily, Mugwumpville has its own ramshackle factory, with a generations-long mission to manufacture all manner of ramshackle. Nearly everything can be ramshackled, but there are a few things that are more popular than others:

The ramshackle marriage comes with an addiction of your choice, a pair of broken vows, and a complete disagreement on all political and social issues. Extra features include an affair with a one-legged clown, unbearable in-laws, and sausage fingers that are too fat to hit any of those tiny buttons on your cell phone. These extras may be purchased piecemeal or as part of a package.

Almost as popular as the ramshackle marriage is the ramshackle home. Inside, you’ll experience varying degrees of internal strife ranging from a sense that things aren’t quite right to a full-blown existential crisis. And that’s just the living room. The ramshackle house will cancel your homeowner’s insurance right before collapsing into a pile of rubble. If you purchase a ramshackle home, you’re advised against owning pets, as they tend to melt. Also, there’s a chance you could decide to become a door to door muffin salesman and change your name to Yarvel.


Finally, there’s the ever-popular ramshackle army. Only last year, when the city of Shitstain tried to invade Mugwumpville, they wore nothing but washcloths and sexy smiles. Their guns shot nothing more than soap bubbles. And yet, they were still able to take over the town for a few minutes. Why? Because Mugwumpville had purchased the deluxe package, wherein our soldiers spent most of their time checking between their ass cheeks for winning lottery tickets.

Despite what you might think, the ramshackle factory isn’t itself a ramshackle operation.  A team of hundreds of dedicated and brave workers slave for dozens of hours every day, and for less than minimum wage, to make sure that quality is the first priority. Bluster Tinytooth Ramshackle built the factory many years ago with a simple dream: to make the lives of dullards far more interesting. His great grandson, Bumblebus Ramshackle had this to say: “For generations we’ve operated on a simple philosophy: Anyone stupid enough to buy our products deserves them.

Indeed. The Mugwump Corporation has been using the deluxe ramshackle journalism package for over fifteen years. We look forward to continuing to be loyal customers.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Holy Terror: Terribly Mundane

Holy Terror, a horror flick released on digital platforms like Amazon Video this month, proves that it’s pretty damn hard to write and direct an original exorcism movie. Not only is this film’s story muddled, but every idea is recycled from another, better movie.
The first two minutes or so are actually quite interesting. Cool visuals, with everything a pea-green or vibrant black color. A priest named Jacob (Scott Butler), a nun (Kristine DeBell), and another priest are performing an exorcism on some poor young girl when it goes wrong and she croaks. Jacob is so flustered by the experience that he questions his faith and leaves the church. Cool story, but it’s time to forget about Jacob for about thirty minutes while we get to know a not-at-all pleasant couple, Molly (Kelly Lynn Reiter) and Tom (Jesse Hlubik), who’ve just lost their kid partially because of Molly’s neglect. Weird stuff is going on at their house and, who knows, maybe their dead kid is coming back in the form of a ghost…