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Showing posts from October, 2012

I Don't Believe in Pangea!

Some say that people of my religious persuasion don’t believe in evolution. Nonsense. After all, my religion evolved from a simple cult of asceticism and peaceful worship into a cynical tax shelter that believes God is freaking out over who people are having sex with. So, yeah, I do believe in evolution. I am, however, totally against the idea that we came from monkeys. Have you ever seen a monkey give birth to a human? I have. How Ron Paul got ahold of that sad creature is a mystery, though it’s said he does have high-powered contacts in the fast food industry. Gee, that sure was the weirdest birthday party I’ve ever been to. The unicorn salsa was pretty good, but did they have to slaughter the mythical creature in the living room using nothing more than dental floss and plastic spoons? And was it necessary to dress it in bondage wear first?

Look, just like Pitbull writing a marriage advice column, some things are just plain wrong. For instance, did you know that some people actually …