Skip to main content

I Live by the One Beatnik Commandment: Just Try to be Cool

I know most of the great world religions have at least a few rules that you have to obey, the Ten Commandments being the easiest to recall at the moment. But I wonder sometimes, wouldn't it be better to just follow the One Beatnik Commandment: "Try to be cool." Right. The way I figure it, that phrase covers just about everything. You're covered for the big stuff, like pulling the legs off a goat and beating him with them. You're also covered for the small stuff, like forgetting to cover your ass when you're at a nude beach and having horrible projectile diarrhea. 

Usually, messing with goats isn't cool. But this one is a fucking asshole.

And the "try" part is in there because, you know, we're only human and all, so our base animal instincts often triumph over our desire to do good. For instance, I was once at a party. I was on a little too much acid and suddenly it seemed as though everyone around me had turned into a werewolf. So I broke a beer bottle and started stabbing everyone around me in the neck. Oooopsies. My bad. To try to recover my cool, I sent flowers to all the funerals.

We all know that there are some problems with the Beatniks themselves. For one thing, they became and inspired the Hippies, who smell bad and push veganism on our innocent children. But sometimes you have to separate the message from the messenger. There's no harm in trying to be cool. I mean, in this weirdo life, our fates rarely match the destiny we've planned for ourselves. So try your best to be cool. It's about all that can be done, anyway.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Holy Terror: Terribly Mundane

Holy Terror, a horror flick released on digital platforms like Amazon Video this month, proves that it’s pretty damn hard to write and direct an original exorcism movie. Not only is this film’s story muddled, but every idea is recycled from another, better movie.
The first two minutes or so are actually quite interesting. Cool visuals, with everything a pea-green or vibrant black color. A priest named Jacob (Scott Butler), a nun (Kristine DeBell), and another priest are performing an exorcism on some poor young girl when it goes wrong and she croaks. Jacob is so flustered by the experience that he questions his faith and leaves the church. Cool story, but it’s time to forget about Jacob for about thirty minutes while we get to know a not-at-all pleasant couple, Molly (Kelly Lynn Reiter) and Tom (Jesse Hlubik), who’ve just lost their kid partially because of Molly’s neglect. Weird stuff is going on at their house and, who knows, maybe their dead kid is coming back in the form of a ghost…