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I Live by the One Beatnik Commandment: Just Try to be Cool

I know most of the great world religions have at least a few rules that you have to obey, the Ten Commandments being the easiest to recall at the moment. But I wonder sometimes, wouldn't it be better to just follow the One Beatnik Commandment: "Try to be cool." Right. The way I figure it, that phrase covers just about everything. You're covered for the big stuff, like pulling the legs off a goat and beating him with them. You're also covered for the small stuff, like forgetting to cover your ass when you're at a nude beach and having horrible projectile diarrhea. 

Usually, messing with goats isn't cool. But this one is a fucking asshole.

And the "try" part is in there because, you know, we're only human and all, so our base animal instincts often triumph over our desire to do good. For instance, I was once at a party. I was on a little too much acid and suddenly it seemed as though everyone around me had turned into a werewolf. So I broke a beer bottle and started stabbing everyone around me in the neck. Oooopsies. My bad. To try to recover my cool, I sent flowers to all the funerals.

We all know that there are some problems with the Beatniks themselves. For one thing, they became and inspired the Hippies, who smell bad and push veganism on our innocent children. But sometimes you have to separate the message from the messenger. There's no harm in trying to be cool. I mean, in this weirdo life, our fates rarely match the destiny we've planned for ourselves. So try your best to be cool. It's about all that can be done, anyway.


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