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Showing posts from June, 2012

I Live by the One Beatnik Commandment: Just Try to be Cool

I know most of the great world religions have at least a few rules that you have to obey, the Ten Commandments being the easiest to recall at the moment. But I wonder sometimes, wouldn't it be better to just follow the One Beatnik Commandment: "Try to be cool." Right. The way I figure it, that phrase covers just about everything. You're covered for the big stuff, like pulling the legs off a goat and beating him with them. You're also covered for the small stuff, like forgetting to cover your ass when you're at a nude beach and having horrible projectile diarrhea. 

And the "try" part is in there because, you know, we're only human and all, so our base animal instincts often triumph over our desire to do good. For instance, I was once at a party. I was on a little too much acid and suddenly it seemed as though everyone around me had turned into a werewolf. So I broke a beer bottle and started stabbing everyone around me in the neck. Oooopsies. My …

Let's Have a Sausage Party!

Summer's almost here, so it's about time to start planning an epic sausage party.

Just remember, be inclusive. Sausages come in all sorts of varieties. Whether your friends' sausage is short and stubby, thick, skinny, or even one of them weird sausage link things you can swing above your head like a lasso, you should welcome them to your party. Variety being a spicy meat product, after all.

There are so many cool things you can do at a sausage party. For instance, you could try running around like a crazed animal, slapping your friends across the cheek with your sausage. But, whatever you do, never put your sausage in someone else's mouth without permission. Not cool, man. Personally, I love to pretend I'm a sort of Errol Flynn buccaneer type and challenge people to a sword fight.

Once, at a truly epic sausage party, I looked at my hand and realized my sausage wasn't there anymore. After looking around for a while, I noticed that my good friend Wally had slipp…

Gaiety Pride Parade Ends in Sadness

Recently fired former conservative talk show host Marpus "Meal Deal" Veal decided that, this year, he would march in his very first gaiety pride parade down Mugwumpville's Main Street. Before, he had been vehemently against things like "having a good time" and "fun." Now that he was actually participating in the parade, he decided to go all the way, dressing in a pink onesie and wearing a pair of fuzzy bunny ears.

Marpus was one of 2,453 marchers this year, each celebrating their happiness and sense of being and unity with the universe in their own unique way. Well, until the clowns came out, anyway. Nearly thirty miscreants from the Cucumber Clown College and Barber School, who had been drinking a little more than usual, staggered out onto the sidewalk to taunt the paraders. They threw handfuls of cold cuts at the marchers and chanted, "Meen meeny mo miney, like this meat, life is cold and slimy."

After he was hit on the head with a piece of …

The Mugwump Interview, Episode One was a Throbbing, Raging Success! We Interviewed all Over the Place!

Face it, folks, your life won't be the same unless you check out the very first episode of the Mugwump Interview. Co-hosts Pat King and Dave K. interview A Jarrell Hayes, Baltimore author and new suburbanite. We discuss fucking awesome things like Marge Simpson, POPULAR TELEVISION, awkward moments and dick sucking. It's great! You'll absolutely love it!

Fallen Down? Put Some Ice on Yer Overstuffed Cantaloupes and Get Back in the Game!

I know you think you ain't got a jumping bean's chance in hell of making it in this world. Well, you're right, of course. But some people are able to drag themselves up from poverty. Again, not you, but there have been at least 13 inspiring rags to riches stories in the 1,000-year history of Mugwumpville.

So don't give up. If you invent something but it doesn't make any money, remember that personal pride counts for something, too. Sure, it won't put food on the table, but you're looking a little fat anyway. So what if someone else is making all the dough? You had an idea. You've done something with your life.

Dismissal Octagon, true patriot and businessman about town, once stole a great idea from a Mugwumpville man named Theodore Doorstraps. Mr. Doorstraps had invented an ass scratcher that scratched your ass as you walked. It worked by a series of pulleys that were attached to a pair of suspenders. Wonderful device. But Mr. Doorstraps was simply too p…