Skip to main content

How to Kick the Habit

I've heard for years about various so-called "cures" for kicking the Habit. But believe me, none of them work. For instance, if you rub olive oil on your pet centipede, you will still have the Habit. Plus, you'll have one hell of a pissed-off centipede on your hands. However, if you're genuinely interested in kicking the Habit, here are three easy steps you can take:

1. Recognize that you do, in fact, have the Habit: How do you know if you even have the Habit? Maybe you're a nun. In that case, you have a habit, but not the Habit. If your drool is purple and spontaneously starts singing the theme song to Charles in Charge, then it's possible that you have the Habit. However, if the purple stuff is spraying like a geyser out all possible body exits, then you most certainly have the Habit. The Habit grabs hold quickly, and soon you have the urge to smear your face with greasepaint and perform Marx Brothers routines.

2. Do not stare into the Abyss: The Abyss is a sex clothes and accessory shop for squirrels. If you stare deeply into the windows, you'll witness these rodents doing terrible things to each others' bodies and souls. Squirrels won't seem cute anymore. These little fellas store their nuts in places you never even thought possible.

3. Kicking the Habit: Despite libelous rumors in the press, the Habit is not an eight-foot tall Canadian named Mort. The Habit turns your skin argyle and gives you the Trembling Anus. People have tried various methods of kicking the Habit, but there's only one process that works. First, you need to throw salt in your mother's eyes. Next, you have to wear yak testicles as earrings for fourteen days and nights. Finally, you must admit that you have the Habit and then throw yourself into a volcano. This is called "surrendering to a hotter power."

I hope this little guide helped! Happy Habit kicking!

Comments

I need to get my ears pierced so I can get the yak testicle earrings. Couldn't I dress a blow-up doll in a nun's habit costume and kick it instead?

Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

The Burning City: An Interview with Brian Diemar of MMII

I first heard the name Brian Diemar a few months ago, when I was looking around for information about Stephen Bier, formerly known as Madonna Wayne Gacy, or simply “Pogo.” He was the keyboard player for Marilyn Manson and seemed to have disappeared from public view since he left the group in 2007. Until a few months ago, the latest update on Pogo’s Wikipedia page said that he was “now a photographer.” So that was that.

Except that he had been making and producing music the entire time. And his major collaborator is Brian Diemar. Brian is a veteran lead guitar player and producer. Just prior to meeting Pogo he had left the band AM Conspiracy, a group he had formed with Jason Jones, the former lead singer of Drowning Pool. Pogo and Brian first collaborated by producing other bands under the name Faultline Productions. Shortly afterward, they began their collaboration with Hoss, a drummer who had played with the Exies and Mondo Generator. Together, the trio are MMII (pronounced “em em eye…