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How to Kick the Habit

I've heard for years about various so-called "cures" for kicking the Habit. But believe me, none of them work. For instance, if you rub olive oil on your pet centipede, you will still have the Habit. Plus, you'll have one hell of a pissed-off centipede on your hands. However, if you're genuinely interested in kicking the Habit, here are three easy steps you can take:

1. Recognize that you do, in fact, have the Habit: How do you know if you even have the Habit? Maybe you're a nun. In that case, you have a habit, but not the Habit. If your drool is purple and spontaneously starts singing the theme song to Charles in Charge, then it's possible that you have the Habit. However, if the purple stuff is spraying like a geyser out all possible body exits, then you most certainly have the Habit. The Habit grabs hold quickly, and soon you have the urge to smear your face with greasepaint and perform Marx Brothers routines.

2. Do not stare into the Abyss: The Abyss is a sex clothes and accessory shop for squirrels. If you stare deeply into the windows, you'll witness these rodents doing terrible things to each others' bodies and souls. Squirrels won't seem cute anymore. These little fellas store their nuts in places you never even thought possible.

3. Kicking the Habit: Despite libelous rumors in the press, the Habit is not an eight-foot tall Canadian named Mort. The Habit turns your skin argyle and gives you the Trembling Anus. People have tried various methods of kicking the Habit, but there's only one process that works. First, you need to throw salt in your mother's eyes. Next, you have to wear yak testicles as earrings for fourteen days and nights. Finally, you must admit that you have the Habit and then throw yourself into a volcano. This is called "surrendering to a hotter power."

I hope this little guide helped! Happy Habit kicking!


I need to get my ears pierced so I can get the yak testicle earrings. Couldn't I dress a blow-up doll in a nun's habit costume and kick it instead?

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