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Showing posts from May, 2012

Let's Scare the Onions out of Each Other!

My buddy Adrian once had one of the coolest acid freakouts. We were living in a little studio apartment in Hoover, Alabama, just outside Birmingham. It was mid 1999, so we were both eighteen. There was a kind of mid-day party going on and there were about 343,953 people in the apartment. Everyone had taken at least some LSD but Adrian was the boss supremo acidhead around them parts, so he had guzzled about eighteen gallons of the stuff.

He was in our little walk-in closet, sitting on the floor and rocking back and forth while clutching a knife that was big enough to cut an elephant in half. And all day long he had been having visions of ex-girlfriends past as they floated around his head, talking about their feelings. He was in what we called a "tight spot." Nobody in their wrong minds thought it would be a good idea to give Adrian any more acid. Nobody but Adrian.

So the drug dealer who had sold us all our stuff just a few hours before comes back over to the apartment to ha…

Instead of Facebook Stock, I Bought 436,432 New Underwears

Yeah, I hear ya. You spent way too much money on that Facebook IPO because you've convinced yourself that not only will they be around forever, they're in a pretty good position to take over the world. I mean, Mark Zuckerberg is halfway toward being declared the planet's Lord and Savior. You figure that the world ain't gonna end with a bang, but with billions of things to "like." Well, I think that's stupid. Mark my words, in five years, my purchase of hundreds of thousands of pair of underwear won't seem like a dumb investment anymore.

Call me a pessimist, but I think that pretty soon we'll all be living  in a kind of Mad Max world where we wear masks made of human skin and roam the country in motorcycle gangs looking for the last remaining drops of gasoline so that we can travel to the next quiet Western town, which we'll proceed to cannibalize and pillage. Ah, yes, but a boy can dream.

Anyway, what's going to be more valuable, your stup…

I Will Eat All Ze Kitty Cat Poems!

All right you motherfucking fuckers. Enough with the cat poems! They're all over my Twatter, my Fiendspace, just fricking everywhere. All you people do is write cat poems and post them to your social networks. You do know that there's a war on, right? The orzons from the planet Orzon have already destroyed half on New Jersey! Hell, just last week, they stuck their brain-melting tubes into the ears of over 4,000 of our fellow Americans and hauled them off to the mothership. Their faces were burned and melting from the plasma weapons, and the orzonians had poked everyone's eyes out with their spiked cocks! The rest of the country, and, indeed, the rest of the world, is sure to be conquered within the next week or so, and the orzonians have promised that we will all be sold into the galactic sex-slavery trade. All is lost! We're doomed! AND STILL WITH THE CAT POEMS!!

Besides, your cat poems can't even compete with mine. Why do you even try? Let me throw a few verses a…

How to Kick the Habit

I've heard for years about various so-called "cures" for kicking the Habit. But believe me, none of them work. For instance, if you rub olive oil on your pet centipede, you will still have the Habit. Plus, you'll have one hell of a pissed-off centipede on your hands. However, if you're genuinely interested in kicking the Habit, here are three easy steps you can take:

1. Recognize that you do, in fact, have the Habit: How do you know if you even have the Habit? Maybe you're a nun. In that case, you have a habit, but not the Habit. If your drool is purple and spontaneously starts singing the theme song to Charles in Charge, then it's possible that you have the Habit. However, if the purple stuff is spraying like a geyser out all possible body exits, then you most certainly have the Habit. The Habit grabs hold quickly, and soon you have the urge to smear your face with greasepaint and perform Marx Brothers routines.

2. Do not stare into the Abyss: The Abyss …

Angry Listeners Demand Radio DJ Retire After Declaring His Love For a Frozen Muffin

Famous radio DJ Marpus "Meal Deal" Veal, whose show, "The Bloated Bovine" once drew over 345,564,454 daily listeners, took some time out of his show yesterday to confirm that, yes, he has been, and is, in love with a frozen blueberry muffin.

The trouble started last year, when Marpus was attending an anti-pig-tickling demonstration called "Stop Shakin' the Bacon." A photograph was taken that appeared to show him with a muffin tucked away in his shirt pocket, but the picture was fuzzy, so no one could be sure. But the incident did rekindle old rumors. A few years ago, Marpus admitted that he had done some "experimenting" in college, but that it hadn't gone beyond "a little nibbling."

Still, questions lingered. Eventually, the scrutiny was just too much for Marpus. "I've come to the conclusion that loving muffins is something you're born with, and not a choice," he said yesterday. "I'd like to apologize…

Queen Penus von Hummingbird Arrested for Assulting a Rainbow

Penus von Hummingbird, Queen of the Mugwumpville County Fair for twenty-seven years in a row, was arrested recently for beating the living shit out of a rainbow in downtown Turdzville, just outside the Lard Dog Emporium. The rainbow was just chillin', enjoying a meat cone, and generally minding his own business. Penus, high on Explodo pills, kicked the rainbow, punched it in the yellow and blue, and called it a fargle-bottomed munk toad.

While it's true that rainbows have committed more than their fair share of crimes in Turdzville, this particular rainbow, who, understandably, wishes to remain anonymous, had never even come close to committing a criminal act (though he had seen plenty of donkey acts). He owns a pickle farm and enjoys making sweater vests for chickens. He's the slop-handler at his church and has donated blech to starving radio hosts.

The Mugwump Corporation urges people to be careful who you pick on. Though it's true that most rainbows are complete as…

Stuff That Go Boom And Splode - Bestselling DVD In America

Stuff that go Boom and Splode is now officially the bestselling DVD series of all time, narrowly beating longtime record-holder Tits dat Jiggle und Wiggle volumes 4-32. What's the secret? We let the series' producer, Handy Protoplasm, explain:

"We did some market research and found that people in general, and Americans in particular, like watching stuff explode. They blow stuff up all the time in action movies, but they waste money on stars' salaries and screenwriting and other nonsense. We figured we could make about a trillion dollars if we cut out things like dialogue and plot development and just got right to what people want to see: stuff that explodes. None of that extra bullshit. But it can't be just any explosions. For instance, test audiences didn't really like watching cute things explode. So we stayed away from blowing things up like babies, kittens, and sumo wrestlers. But no one really has a problem when we explode ugly things, so we stick to thos…