Kirk Cameron is Alive and Well and Living in the Big Rock Candy Mountain with a Hoard of Wart Yaks
"Thanks for the ice cream, you crazy asshole!"
Kirk Cameron's new documentary, Monumental, about America's Christian roots, opened in theaters last Friday and, as you might expect, it brought out the crazies. Can you fathom that there are still people in the world who don't believe in Kirk Cameron? I know! Look, people stop me in the street at least seven times a day and say something like, "Kirk Cameron is just a little fella who lives in my TV. Fun is fun, but you tell me if he appears anywhere outside my set and we might be in business. Kirk Cameron just doesn't exist. How could he?" It gets annoying that I have to answer these questions all the time, but, luckily, I only have to use one simple, yet oh-so-complex word: Faith. Have you ever seen a fart? Of course not, but you can certainly smell it, especially if you've been eating cantaloupe. You can't touch it (well, you could, but you wouldn't want to, what with the after-smell all over your finger and all that) but you still know it's there. Kirk Cameron is alive and well and disco dancing with Uncle Jesse in Pee-wee's Playhouse. And, like your farts, he's even around when you don't want him to be. Kirk Cameron watches over you while you sleep, puts your big toe in his mouth, takes your dog out for ice cream, mows your lawn with his teeth, and saves you $10.99 on two adult meals at Ruby Tuesdays. He is daylight itself.
Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.
The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …
The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.
Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…
Written by Bill Phillips from a novel by Stephen King and directed by John Carpenter, Christine, released in 1983, is a love story between a boy and his car. This time, however, the car is alive and quite possessive of her boy.
She’s an older lover, too. Christine, a red Plymouth Fury, is a disheveled twenty-one years old when eighteen year old Arnie (Keith Gordon) falls for her. She’s broken down, in a state of disrepair and decay. When his best friend Dennis (Dean Stockwell) drives Arnie home after their first day of school, Arnie sees her sitting in the yard of a house that’s just as dilapidated at the car. Arnie decides he’s going to fix her, make her run again.
This movie is all about sex, love, and obsession and the moral lines that get blurred when these things interact with each other. Christine begins as Arnie and Dennis drive around discussing sex. Dennis, a football player and quite an attractive young man, has clearly had plenty of it, while Arnie is still a virgin. Denni…