This sanctimonious bitch I was talking to the other day was telling me a really cool story. Thought I’d share.
“This is Krazy Karen down here at Karen’s Things ‘n Stuff! We’ve got deals you won’t believe. Three slinkies for under a grand; a gas grill that fits in your pocket for only eight dollars; toothpicks made out of cars, sold by the pound; cars made out of toothpicks, sold by the yard; a fine selection of hand crafted furniture that’ll make your eyes bleed! Hurry on down now before our Easter Bunny gets neutered and changes his mind.”
A few minutes later, when I was in line for the bus, this old maid walked up to me and kicked me in the hip. She started shouting, “Repent, sinner. Repent now or forever hold your piece.” I held my piece out of fear. “He cometh for our sins, he cometh for our wants. He doth not cometh for our needs. Have you ever felt the touch of him?” I smiled and nodded, like a good soldier boy. I was mortified for my balls at that point. “IT IS BETTER TO LIVE ALONE IN THE DESERT THAN WITH A CRABBY, COMPLAINING WIFE, PROVERBS 21:19!” At that point I sucked in my breath and blew as hard as I could. I popped that old bitch’s bubble and watched her vanish.
Just as quickly as she vanished, a chubby bald man in a white wife-beater appeared before my eyes. He saw that my disbelief outweighed my transgression and hesitated before speaking. “UNCLEAN!” he finally shrieked at me before brandishing his mop and proceeding to beat me every possible way with it. During the sodomy, he asked, “Who’s your daddy?” “Mr. Who,” wasn’t an acceptable answer. He shifted sideways. I still squirt a little shit out of the hole in my left hip when I smell lemons.
While lying in my hospital bed, I can’t help but wonder if I watch too much television. Transgression can be a misguided pain in the ass.