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This Cat is a Murderous Junkie!

via katie king
Oscar P. Elvispelvis, pictured above, is wanted on 600 counts of assholery and two counts of murdering the dreams of a young mother.  If you see Elvispelvis, do not approach.  Back away.  Call the authorities.

Elvispelvis was last seen three days ago.  He was roaming the streets of Mugwumpville, high on catnip and his massive ego.  A young woman taking her children for a mid-afternoon walk happened on him and, noticing his adorable eyes, reached down to pet him.  After purring and pawing at her feet for a while, he suddenly noticed her children and made a stink-face.

"These your kids?" he asked.  When she replied in the affirmative, Elvispelvis said, "Gee, don't make 'em like they used to, eh?  You ever consider putting some masks on these things before you go out in public?  I mean, at least drape some raw meat over their heads or something.  Geeeeeze, I mean, what happened?  You're an attractive woman.  You fuck a baboon on accident?  But just look at them kids.  They look like what happens after a lard factory explodes.  Next time you feel lonely, just buy yourself a hamster.   Why you crying, lady?  It's because I'm fucking cute, isn't it?  That's right, pet me, love me, worship me."

Oscar P. Elvispelvis was last seen chasing a butterfly through Mugwump Park.  If you see him, do not try to apprehend him yourself.  Let the police do their job.  We beg of you.

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