Skip to main content

Singular Botulistic Exhaust and What it May Mean to You

Singular botulistic exhaust smoke leaving the rain empty behind the once upon a time. A simple statement that carries so much weight. Nothing more needs to be said about it directly but it’s implications will be far reaching.

Civil engineers were left crowing beside the moon when confronted with the Singular Botulistic Exhaust idea (SBE). They determine that 400 million city blocks a year will be lost due to de-industrialization while the family unit will spend less time working and more time enjoying the fruits of their labor. Heads spun as the
Housing Bureau struggled to explain that you can’t stack tents as high as you can in concrete structures and fought to have the skeletal remains of their buildings left to be rented out. They were executed for their insolence personally by Galactic Known and Unknown Space Emperor Barack Hussein Donkey-Dick Obama the Benevolent.

The USDA says it won’t be able to produce enough milk for our consumption without the hormones that will be affected by SBE. Instead, alternative hormones are being tested by independent scientists with some success. Known side effects of their latest product include double vision, loss of spatial reasoning, euphoria, back aches, hallucinations, and mind expansion. They are working around the clock to determine and eliminate what is causing the back aches.

The RIAA says their business will be ruined by SBA as they will be unable to directly tax people who overhear radios. Director of Manifestations Dean Kuantumleepson says that due to the loss of revenue, he’ll no longer be able to fertilize his garden with fetuses. “My crops are definitely going to suffer because of this,” he confides. Others have picked up on this particular cause with a Save The Gardens/Pro Choice rally.

Various other fears we may face are undrinkable groundwater, allergic reactions to glass, eye irritation, spiders the size of your uncle’s dog, clogged drains, unpleasant aftertaste, voter’s rights, warpdrive-inflation, marketing fraud from tampon companies, illiteracy, and tennis elbow. The overflow from the rivers will fill the cups of the righteous that they may drink in the glory of the kingdom above.    


Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Boy Meets Chrome: Christine

Written by Bill Phillips from a novel by Stephen King and directed by John Carpenter, Christine, released in 1983, is a love story between a boy and his car. This time, however, the car is alive and quite possessive of her boy.

She’s an older lover, too. Christine, a red Plymouth Fury, is a disheveled twenty-one years old when eighteen year old Arnie (Keith Gordon) falls for her. She’s broken down, in a state of disrepair and decay. When his best friend Dennis (Dean Stockwell) drives Arnie home after their first day of school, Arnie sees her sitting in the yard of a house that’s just as dilapidated at the car. Arnie decides he’s going to fix her, make her run again.

This movie is all about sex, love, and obsession and the moral lines that get blurred when these things interact with each other. Christine begins as Arnie and Dennis drive around discussing sex. Dennis, a football player and quite an attractive young man, has clearly had plenty of it, while Arnie is still a virgin. Denni…