Skip to main content

From Where This Fatty's Sitting, America's Next Top Model is Pretty Fucked Up.

She's fucking HUGE!
The other night, my wife was watching America's Next Top Model.  I  noticed that there was a model on the show who didn't look like she had been living on a diet of rice cakes and water for the past seven years. Daddy like.  I said, "Wow, I'm glad they're not just featuring ultra-skinny women anymore."  "Pat," my wife said, "that's a plus-size model."

Whaaaa?  I've known some large people in my time, even before I expanded to my now-legendary girth.  And that woman on America's Next Top Model was nowhere near "plus".

Here's what I want to do: I want to make a movie that includes maybe four or five main characters who are anywhere from a little chubby to morbidly obese.  Maybe one of them even has to carry all his girth around on one of them little scooter things with the basket in front.  But the movie ain't gonna be about being fat.  Just this once, it'll be a regular ol' movie, maybe a rom-com or a buddy cop flick.  But the characters just happen to be overweight.  They're not the sassy sidekick who constantly complains about being hungry.  They won't be the comic relief and they won't be there just to gross people out.  They'll just straight-up get on with their lives, doing whatever it is they do.  They'll just have a few health issues that happen to manifest themselves externally.

Viewers wouldn't know what to do.  There would be madness in the streets.  Little old ladies would shoot their pistols from rooftops, professional wrestlers would practice finger puppetry, wig salesmen would harvest their own back hair.  That kind of thing.  You get the idea.

Hmmm.....I think I'll get started on that screenplay right now.


Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Boy Meets Chrome: Christine

Written by Bill Phillips from a novel by Stephen King and directed by John Carpenter, Christine, released in 1983, is a love story between a boy and his car. This time, however, the car is alive and quite possessive of her boy.

She’s an older lover, too. Christine, a red Plymouth Fury, is a disheveled twenty-one years old when eighteen year old Arnie (Keith Gordon) falls for her. She’s broken down, in a state of disrepair and decay. When his best friend Dennis (Dean Stockwell) drives Arnie home after their first day of school, Arnie sees her sitting in the yard of a house that’s just as dilapidated at the car. Arnie decides he’s going to fix her, make her run again.

This movie is all about sex, love, and obsession and the moral lines that get blurred when these things interact with each other. Christine begins as Arnie and Dennis drive around discussing sex. Dennis, a football player and quite an attractive young man, has clearly had plenty of it, while Arnie is still a virgin. Denni…