Skip to main content

Dead Literary Icon Rises From the Grave Only to Return Three Hours Later

via CT Happypants
You remember Patterly Patterson-Peterson, right?  He was the popular 1980's children's book author whose brief career was cut short at the age of sixteen, when he was killed by a mob of angry parents.  They were offended by the content of Patterson-Peterson's latest releases, including, Mommy is Schizoid, The Problem with Pants, and, Don't Touch that Dingle-berry!

Recently, Patterson-Peterson decided to visit the land of the living, to see what's been going on.  We caught up with him just as he was about to reenter his cold and lonely grave, and here's what he had to say:

"Yeah, so, I think I'll just go on and head back to the abyss.  First thing I did when I left my grave was head over to the local watering hole, to see if my friends were still hanging out there, since, you know, they were all really violent alcoholics.  No one I knew was in there, so I just watched a little TV.  Fuck!  What's up with all these, what called "Reality Shows"?  I saw this one program about a group of Brooklyn housewives who were addicted to eating hot sausages while they were riding roller coasters!  How did they find these people?  And what about that show where they filmed a bunch of gay albino hookers with amputee fetishes?  In my day, TV consisted of a bunch of sweaty men blowing stuff up and shooting people.  They had awesome mustaches to boot!  Well, I don't know what's happened since I died, but I'll take the cold hand of death on my shoulder to having to spend any more time around you freaks.  Seriously, you should be ashamed.  All of you."

Patterly Patterson-Peterson's story will be featured on a new reality show about ghosts who hate reality shows.  Stay tuned!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Boy Meets Chrome: Christine

Written by Bill Phillips from a novel by Stephen King and directed by John Carpenter, Christine, released in 1983, is a love story between a boy and his car. This time, however, the car is alive and quite possessive of her boy.

She’s an older lover, too. Christine, a red Plymouth Fury, is a disheveled twenty-one years old when eighteen year old Arnie (Keith Gordon) falls for her. She’s broken down, in a state of disrepair and decay. When his best friend Dennis (Dean Stockwell) drives Arnie home after their first day of school, Arnie sees her sitting in the yard of a house that’s just as dilapidated at the car. Arnie decides he’s going to fix her, make her run again.

This movie is all about sex, love, and obsession and the moral lines that get blurred when these things interact with each other. Christine begins as Arnie and Dennis drive around discussing sex. Dennis, a football player and quite an attractive young man, has clearly had plenty of it, while Arnie is still a virgin. Denni…