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Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Death Machines


Does anyone use the word “tiddies” anymore? I doubt it, since spell-check doesn’t even recognize it. Gmail’s spell-check doesn’t recognize the word “gmail.” That one always bothered me. You think it would be important for the program to recognize its own name. Or would that be too close to it becoming self aware? And so what if it did become self aware? It’s a spell-checker. It doesn’t have the launch codes. Can a spell-checker evolve into an overlord?


Would machine overlords really be such a bad thing? Newt Gingrich doesn’t think so. Newt doesn’t know much about the moon (see his quote in If Elected, Newt Gingrich will Eat the Moon, below) but he knows that before it becomes a state we’ll have to establish bases there. And bases are always up to mysterious things. It would be easier to manufacture and raise a robot army there, far away from the eyes of prying webcams and iPhones than down here with the evil environmentalists meddling in his every move. Earthlings would never even know about it, they would be Newt’s secret weapon. One day a French official would say something about the tastelessness of the First Lady’s new hairdo, the next day there would be Terminators sipping sherry over the bodies of the dead on the Riviera.  Yes, Newt would kill all of France for that mortal insult.


It would be like when the US dropped atomic bombs on Japan, except here the US is Newt and Japan is the entire world. And the machines would fly down just like bombs. They’d jump from the moon and aim for populated enemy territory. Gingrich would command respect via his invincible army. Newt would flex his flabby muscles and the world would flinch. He would teach those other enslaved, communist bastards that they can’t fuck with the Newt! He will be the only one that can control these machines. He must be the only person who can control these machines.


This is the real reason that the internet has to be censored, the real reason behind initiatives like SOPA, PIPA and ACTA. What if someone got their hands on the programming for one of these Terminators? What if they shared it online? Everyone could have Terminators to do their bidding and that would be anarchy! Insuring copyright and patent protection on intellectual property is the only way we can stop the world from destroying itself. Only Newt’s Terminators can help us realize this goal. ISN’T THIS OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE ELSE? I’M YELLING TO MAKE MY POINT.


Exactly what will our new glorious guardians eat? Mostly oil and coal but none of that fancy refined crap. You won’t see these guys sipping from Penzoil jugs like some sort of pansies. They will dine in the oil fields, sucking the crude out of the ground themselves or grinding off sides of mountains to reach those nice, crunchy coal deposits which they’ll garnish with handfuls of endangered species. And that smell? That’s just their nuclear exhaust. That is the smell of progress, safety, the American Dream.

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