|via goodloe byron|
There's a diet pill on the market that promises users will lose up to six pounds in just fourteen months. LayZFux is the newest in a long line of weight loss supplements being pimped by advertisements in horoscope magazines and college dorm urinals. But you might not just lose a few pounds when you take LayZFux. You might also lose your dignity and the ability to function in human rationally in human society.
Walrus Coughburg of Fuckstiff, Alabama thought he'd use the product to lose a few pounds before the town's annual kitten tossing competition. It was, after all, only six months away. Every day after work he took a LayZFux, lay down on his couch, and watched pornographic sailing shows.
The pills worked perfectly. For about three days. On the fourth day, Mr. Coughburg was standing in his front yard wearing nothing but his Lady Gaga boxer shorts and yelling at his neighbor's horse. He accused Mr. Gummy Snout of being a "genuine walrus fucker." Coughburg then took his penis out of his shorts and started twirling it like a helicopter and ran around the neighborhood shouting that he could fly, if only someone could give him "a good push."
Coughburg is now in the Alabama Hospital for the Cracked, Mad & Buttfaced. He told the Mugwump Corporation that he's looking forward to the day when he can "crack some swagger back up in this place." No, we don't know what that means either.