|via carabella sands|
Screen heartthrob Hambone Sausage was found dead in his bathroom two days ago. He had taken twenty-seven ExplodoBlast pills. Used in small doses, ExplodoBlast is great for treating repressed sexual issues. Take too much of it, though, and you'll blow the fuck up. Parts of Mr. Sausage are still being peeled off his walls.
Dana Downtrodden, Hambone's on and off girlfriend, was shocked when she heard about the overdose. "Well fuck me sideways," she said. "Just think, he looked fine before he went home and took all them pills. I remember seeing him just the other night. We paid a bunch of poor people to humiliate themselves for us. We had this one lady jugglin' three roosters while she painted my toenails. It was such a good time. I'd never seen Hambone so happy. He said he was havin' the time of his life. Well, here today, gone tomorrow, I guess."
Barclay Barkley, Hambone's best friend and part-time sex slave had this to say: "Imagine that. Just up and exploded, eh? I tell you, the night he died he was acting kind of weird, but that's 'ol Hambone for ya. We were in his living room and he had all these monkeys lined up against the wall, each one bigger than the last. Well, we were having such a swell dinner I didn't even think to say anything about the monkeys. See, Hambone was wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a really cute pink bonnet. He fed me a piece of chicken pot pie every time I answered a geography question correctly. Well, out of nowhere, Hambone gets up and feeds a small monkey to a bigger monkey. Oh dear! He was planning on feeding monkeys to monkeys all night long. Well I just wished him good night and left. If he had just given us some sort of sign that he was unhappy."
Hambone Sausage will be missed. Probably. By someone.