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Showing posts from February, 2012

Friends Say Singer Looked Fine Before Overdosing on a Massive Amount of Drugs

Screen heartthrob Hambone Sausage was found dead in his bathroom two days ago.  He had taken twenty-seven ExplodoBlast pills.  Used in small doses, ExplodoBlast is great for treating repressed sexual issues.  Take too much of it, though, and you'll blow the fuck up.  Parts of Mr. Sausage are still being peeled off his walls.

Dana Downtrodden, Hambone's on and off girlfriend, was shocked when she heard about the overdose.  "Well fuck me sideways," she said.  "Just think, he looked fine before he went home and took all them pills.  I remember seeing him just the other night.  We paid a bunch of poor people to humiliate themselves for us.  We had this one lady jugglin' three roosters while she painted my toenails.  It was such a good time.  I'd never seen Hambone so happy.  He said he was havin' the time of his life.  Well, here today, gone tomorrow, I guess."

Barclay Barkley, Hambone's best friend and part-time sex slave had this to say: &quo…

Christina Aguilera's Private Hell: At Least It Isn't Public Hell

Star has once again sent its team of (on) crack reporters to dredge up the details of another major celebrity real estate investment.  It's nice to see a young person like Christina Aguilera concerned about her future.  Because, like most of us, she's going to hell.  Unlike most of us, she's rich, so she can afford a private hell.

It's interesting that she still has the money for such a big purchase.  We'd heard rumors that her savings were wiped out when she invested in conceptual artist Mrogbot Celciuses' attempt to build the world's largest imaginary friend.  Which explains why, just months after Celciuses took her money and disappeared to the planet Zygotron, Aguilera released a Christmas CD.  "Jiggle Your Raspberry Dome," the first single off the album Jesus Was My Kinda Playa was a flop, though it did become quite popular with construction workers who wear nudie suits.

Who knows?  Maybe she had just enough cash tucked away somewhere.  Most o…

New Diet Pill's Side Effects Include Making the User a Complete Asshole

There's a diet pill on the market that promises users will lose up to six pounds in just fourteen months.  LayZFux is the newest in a long line of weight loss supplements being pimped by advertisements in horoscope magazines and college dorm urinals.  But you might not just lose a few pounds when you take LayZFux.  You might also lose your dignity and the ability to function in human rationally in human society.

Walrus Coughburg of Fuckstiff, Alabama thought he'd use the product to lose a few pounds before the town's annual kitten tossing competition.  It was, after all, only six months away.  Every day after work he took a LayZFux, lay down on his couch, and watched pornographic sailing shows.

The pills worked perfectly.  For about three days.  On the fourth day, Mr. Coughburg was standing in his front yard wearing nothing but his Lady Gaga boxer shorts and yelling at his neighbor's horse.  He accused Mr. Gummy Snout of being a "genuine walrus fucker."  Cou…

Dead Celebrities are Cool!

A bunch of celebrities have been overdosing lately.  This makes us here at the Mugwump Corporation extremely happy.  Our readership spikes when we report on these things, presumably because people desperately want to feel morally superior.  We were overjoyed when we found out that Digsby Walrusblubber, the internationally famous singer known for hits like "Bubbles are Fun," "You Remind me of a Butt Plug," and "I Baked a Pie for Jesus" died in his sleep last night.  He went fairly quietly into the abyss, choking on his vomit and having violent seizures while thirteen drag queens kicked him in the ribs.

Few people know that Digsby's true passions were building model trains and collecting chef salads.  But, you know, he had that rockstar image to maintain, so he mostly engaged in unprotected sex with groupies and sucked massive amounts of drugs up his nose.  He died a little inside every time he had to yell at his tour manager for allowing the wrong kin…

After Marriage Ban Overturned, California Overrun with Gay Kittens

Several conservative commentators have observed that overturning California's ban on gay marriage will have unintended consequences.  How true indeed.

Now that same-sex humans can get married, other animals have seen this as an opportunity to promote their own depraved lifestyles.  By far the worst offenders have been the gay, or, more properly, omni-sexual cats and kittens that have flooded into the state in an effort to promote the Kitty Agenda.

Cats are the most sexually depraved animals on Earth.  Even the Jumping Fuckbeasts on the planet Umathurman aren't as savagely horny.  Cats give up the good loving whenever they feel like it, whether the object of their affection wants it or not.  Last week, in Golden Gate Park, there was a frightening public orgy.  Sixteen cats and kittens rubbed themselves on balls of twine, old shoes, a toilet plunger, and a Frisbee, among other items.  A nearby hobo lay in the grass muttering, "All is lost...all is lost..." while two c…

Catch the Fever

The 2012 Olympics will begin in London during late July this summer and it seems the whole world is catching Olympic Fever. Along with the standard line up of events, this year marks the beginning of many surprising new competitions. The governing body of the Alternative Expressions of Love Foundation will be introducing extreme fucking, complete with events in areas such as ass fisting, Sybian races, deep throating, long distance cumshots, competitive masturbation, anal pole vaulting, genital mastication, marathon fucking and cum chugging, to name a few. In the true spirit of the games, all events are open to both men and women, with the exception of the menses category. Many events require multiple partners.

This addition is drawing the ire from many on different sides of the table. Fred Phelps, of Westboro Baptist Church fame, has already rallied his courageous followers with the chant, “God Hates the Olympics!” Serrif Howell of the Olympic Preservation Committee got his pan…

Vanity Fair Fondly Remembers a Hollywood Without Negros

The newest Vanity Fair cover features, clockwise, Crystal Clear, Alabaster Bodypaint, Aryan Anna, and Goth White.  Don't look too long or your eyes will burn.  Three Mugwump Corporation employees have already lost their sight doing this exact thing.

Earlier today, we asked Vanity Fair Editor-in-Chief Rascal Funnybottoms about this controversial cover:

"Well, uh, you know, this is a tribute to the Golden Shower Age in Hollywood.  Dig?  Right.  Back then, things were very glamorous and very white.  Everyone was white back then, even black people.  Don't blame us.  This isn't the greatest cover in the world.  This is just a tribute.  An homage, see.  We're a liberal magazine, which means we can get away with shit like this.  Just needs some sort of historical context, see.  We can't help it if there was a time in our history when only very pale women were considered beautiful and glamorous.  It was a real classy time, when even strong women couldn't survive …

A Modest Proposal

To the troll that lives underneath a bridge near my house:

First of all, I know you're intimidating, being a hairy, other-worldly looking beast and all.  Hell, I'm a big 'ol hairy lumberjack myself.  I know what it's like for people to be intimidated by you.  I mean, I don't even use an axe when I'm working.  I bearhug the trees and pull the entire things out of the ground and then just chuck them into a pile.  I'm a manly musky muscle man.  But, Mr. troll, even I'm scared of you.  Why do you take advantage of the good folks by charging them one gold coin to cross your bridge?  Do you own the thing?  No!  The good citizens of Mugwumpville paid for it with their hard-earned dollas.  You're forcing them to double dip.  And nobody likes a double dipper.

Do you remember when I didn't have the money to pay your stupid toll?  You made me wear a pretty yellow sundress and wiggle my butt in yer face.  As much fun as that was, I have to ask, what kind o…

Man in "Life is Good" T-Shirt Tells Poor People to "Just Fucking Smile More"

Mr. Vivian Suction, a dapper young man in his late twenties, stood outside the Mugwump Village KFC finishing off the last drumstick in his Lardo Bucket when a family of four ill-kempt proletariats approached.  The mother and father looked tired and sullen, while the two rotund young boys beside them smacked their lips in anticipation of the forthcoming meal.  But before they could walk into the fast food restaurant, Suction blocked the door.  He had something to say:

"Why ya'll look so sad what with yer moping, waddling frames?  Don't you know life is good?  Why, just lookie my shirt.  It says the exact same thing and so it must be true, no?  Dig, the sun's shining on my tail and I'm happy.  You know a little smile, just a small one, can brighten your day, even the worst one.  Whatzzat? You've been out of work?  Yer just eating here because a friend loaned you a bit of money?  Ya'll haven't eaten for days?  Gee, I mean, that's terrible and everyth…

Planned Parenthood is an Abortion Factory and Should be Stopped!

The Susan G. Komen Foundation has gone back on its original promise to defund Planned Parenthood.  Apparently they caved to public pressure.  We here at the Mugwump Corporation think this was a terrible idea.  Planned Parenthood is nothing but an abortion factory, and should be stopped at all costs.

It's common knowledge that 9999.34322% of all the procedures at Planned Parenthood are abortions.  And really, do they have to use chainsaws?  Okay, we'll put that aside for a second.  Don't forget that Planned Parenthood forces women who come in for anything, even a routine checkup, to sign a pledge saying that they will get "at least one abortion per year during the time they remain fertile."  Would your Grammy trust an organization like this?  Seriously, what would your Grammy do?
And have we already forgotten December 31st, 1999?  It was the day where Planned Parenthood doctors, upset because they were recently fired for failing to meet their abortion quotas, took…

Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Death Machines

Does anyone use the word “tiddies” anymore? I doubt it, since spell-check doesn’t even recognize it. Gmail’s spell-check doesn’t recognize the word “gmail.” That one always bothered me. You think it would be important for the program to recognize its own name. Or would that be too close to it becoming self aware? And so what if it did become self aware? It’s a spell-checker. It doesn’t have the launch codes. Can a spell-checker evolve into an overlord?

Would machine overlords really be such a bad thing? Newt Gingrich doesn’t think so. Newt doesn’t know much about the moon (see his quote in If Elected, Newt Gingrich will Eat the Moon, below) but he knows that before it becomes a state we’ll have to establish bases there. And bases are always up to mysterious things. It would be easier to manufacture and raise a robot army there, far away from the eyes of prying webcams and iPhones than down here with the evil environmentalists meddling in his every move. Earthlings would…

Dinosaurs Are Not Killers, They're Job Creators

Yup, of course we've heard ya'll liberals bitching and moaning about the "dinosaur menace" and whatnot.  And on some level, I suppose we can sympathize.  Nobody likes to see people stomped to death, least of all the person being stomped on.  But, economically speaking, where would we be without pissed off brontosauruses?  We can't predict exactly what would happen if they stopped smooshing people, but we know that a lot of people would be out of a job.  And that's something we have to take very seriously in a recession.

Think of those poor souls who have to quickly shovel the victims' poopy and flattened corpses off a sidewalk.  They're doing the Lord's work, if you ask me.  Also, think of the weapons manufacturers.  Sales of rocket launchers and grenade-firing guns would tank if brontosauruses stopped stomping on people.  And who can forget the work of those brave clowns, who stand ready at a moment's notice to hurry to the scene of a dinosa…