Skip to main content

A Newt Point


    Newt Gingrich's second ex-wife Marianne appeared on ABC's Nightline Thursday evening, giving viewers an earful of what she considered some of his more notable character flaws. Among them is the fact that he asked her for an open marriage while cheating on her with the woman who is current wife. The affair was going on while he was heading a committee to impeach Clinton for his affair with Lewinsky. He finally asked for a divorce two days before giving a speech about family values and the need for God in the lives of American families. That certainly seems hypocritical to us here at Mugwump Corporation. (Not mentioned in the interview is the fact that he left his first wife in 1980, after finding out she had cancer. He had these words to say about her: "She's not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. And besides, she has cancer." Harsh.)

    Later his daughters appeared and set everyone's minds at ease. They said it had happened so long ago, it was history. Newt has, according to them, gotten right with God. So there is no reason to worry about it. Newt himself, when asked about the issues at a Republican candidential debate, denied the allegations and said that mentioning his ex-wife was "despicable." He even spent more time attacking CNN for allowing that question than he did answering it, surely to show how invalid the point is. I'm sure glad they cleared that up, I was about to change my mind and NOT vote for him.




    All this comes just days after Newt commits a felony and admits he'll break the law again as president. He says that the Supreme Court is fallible and he, as president, will ignore any decision he disagrees with. Being a supposed pro-lifer, Roe v. Wade comes to mind. The felony he committed entailed offering Sarah Palin a presidentially appointed position in his cabinet if she helped him win the South Carolina primary. That directly violates this law. It seems that he could be charged with this, his candidacy could be ruined and he could face up to two years in prison. But what are the odds that he will face justice?

    Very slim. Newt’s ability to evade legal prosecution stems from a deal he made with Satan back in the early 1980s, according to eyewitness reports. As he danced nude in a grove of willow trees under a new moon, he was heard chanting the true name of the dark lord for an hour before being spotted converting a litter of puppies to atheism while slathering himself in lamb’s blood. Each month he must make some sort of offering to the dark lord, lest he lose his powers. These offerings have taken the forms of dotcom stock, crippled children, Haiti, the souls of at least two of his wives, even a live gargoyle. He is not the first presidential candidate to have made a similar deal.

    It’s clear that this sociopathic egomaniac has been using his wives merely as figureheads for the public, someone to draw suspicion away from his life of debauchery and pedophilia. These issues will be addressed in a future article.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Boy Meets Chrome: Christine

Written by Bill Phillips from a novel by Stephen King and directed by John Carpenter, Christine, released in 1983, is a love story between a boy and his car. This time, however, the car is alive and quite possessive of her boy.

She’s an older lover, too. Christine, a red Plymouth Fury, is a disheveled twenty-one years old when eighteen year old Arnie (Keith Gordon) falls for her. She’s broken down, in a state of disrepair and decay. When his best friend Dennis (Dean Stockwell) drives Arnie home after their first day of school, Arnie sees her sitting in the yard of a house that’s just as dilapidated at the car. Arnie decides he’s going to fix her, make her run again.

This movie is all about sex, love, and obsession and the moral lines that get blurred when these things interact with each other. Christine begins as Arnie and Dennis drive around discussing sex. Dennis, a football player and quite an attractive young man, has clearly had plenty of it, while Arnie is still a virgin. Denni…