Skip to main content

If Elected, Newt Gingrich will Eat the Moon

Newt Gingrich, a fan and supporter of both free-market capitalism and space travel, announced last week that if he's elected President of 'Da Fuckin' A, he's going to start a program that will get this country back to the moon.  Because, you know, why the fuck not.  Here's a few of his remarks:

"They have a saying in Texas: 'Sometimes you slap the zebra; sometimes the zebra slaps you.'  Would I lie to you good people?  I'm an honest guy.  An honest fella.  A dapper looking fella.  Now, I swear to you on the turtleneck of Mr. Jesus von Pantaloons that if you elect me Perez Hilton or whatever, my first priority will be to establish a permanent base on the moon.  Because if something is worth doing once, it logically follows that it's worth doing again and again even if there seems to be no goddamn reason why.  A great man once said that he was going to punch his wife so hard she went to the moon.  I think it's sad, and really speaks to a lack of faith on his part, that he was never able to accomplish this.  However, I have heard on one occasion or another that the American peeps want to send me to the moon.  I'm cool with dat.  Because I would personally like to hunt down and kill our zebra overlords, who, of course, live underneath the moon.  Folks, these are trying times.  What we need right now is a Prez that ain't not afraid to be shot to the moon so that he can personally take care of the zebra menace.  Would Commie Obama do that?  Right.  So if I'm elected Prison Addict of the United States of Castration, I'll go to the moon with nothing but my pink space suit, a shovel, and my Spongebob beach pail, and I will dig a hole underneath the moon so big that our zebra overlords will have nowhere to hide.  The American people deserve nothing less.  Or anything more.  Or anything at all, really.  Gingrich out, yo."

In other news, we're all fucked.


Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Holy Terror: Terribly Mundane

Holy Terror, a horror flick released on digital platforms like Amazon Video this month, proves that it’s pretty damn hard to write and direct an original exorcism movie. Not only is this film’s story muddled, but every idea is recycled from another, better movie.
The first two minutes or so are actually quite interesting. Cool visuals, with everything a pea-green or vibrant black color. A priest named Jacob (Scott Butler), a nun (Kristine DeBell), and another priest are performing an exorcism on some poor young girl when it goes wrong and she croaks. Jacob is so flustered by the experience that he questions his faith and leaves the church. Cool story, but it’s time to forget about Jacob for about thirty minutes while we get to know a not-at-all pleasant couple, Molly (Kelly Lynn Reiter) and Tom (Jesse Hlubik), who’ve just lost their kid partially because of Molly’s neglect. Weird stuff is going on at their house and, who knows, maybe their dead kid is coming back in the form of a ghost…