Skip to main content

Christopher Hitchens Dies, Goes to Heathen's Heaven, Has to Answer Three Ridiculous Questions


source
Despite being made of over 56% organic material, Christopher Hitchens died a few days ago.

To his great surprise, his soul left his body and he found himself in heaven.  Heathen Heaven, of course, but heaven nonetheless.  But, like all souls, before he was allowed to either enter the planet Laughotron as a fully irrationalized being, or reincarnated on Earth, Hitchens had to face Texas Jeevus, Judge of all Souls, and Asker of the Three Silly Questions.  How did Hitchens do?  Here's what Jeevus had to say about the matter:

"Yeah, well, ya know, mutha fucka, never seen someone so shocked to stand in the middle of my Royal Football Stadium, facing my Toilet Throne.  Never seen such shock.  A-thee-ist?  Whazzat?  And dang if that didn't use up one of my questions and he done got the answer right too.  Gotta quit askin' questions out loud.  No matter, though, gots two more.  So I aims to make the next two count.  I says, 'Do you accept Captain Crunch as yer Lord and Tablecloth?'  And the man looks at me and says somethin' 'bout proof and I says, poof on that, wrong answer.  We gots a two an' two tie.  So I moves on to the third question.  I says, 'Does you fuck the goat or does the goat fuck you?'  Then he says somethin' 'bout a 'dignified answer' and I wins the game again!  Now he done got sent back to Earth to be reincarnated as a yak or the next George Bernard Shaw er somethin'.  Haven't quite decided yet."

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Salvation, USA: A Not-Thrilling Thriller

Written by Bernie Van De Yacht and directed by Yacht and Brett Donowho, Salvation, USA is a thriller, sort of. It reminded me a lot of a Lifetime movie with a little sex and swearing. Until the finale, which gets all sorts of batshit violent and bloody. Ah, but advertising, eh? If you watch this movie after having seen the poster, you’ll end up wondering when the hell you’re going to see some violence, as violence is most clearly implied by the thing. And if you haven’t seen the poster, you’ll watch Salvation, USA and suddenly get weirded out when a pretty basic drama gets really freakin’ bloody by the end.

The movie concerns Vinnie (Ryan Donowho), a guy who seems passionate about fixing old stoves, restoring them to their former pristine states. But it’s all a ruse. Fixing the stoves is his launchpad for a long con. Donowho is a very charming actor, and so it’s not hard for the audience to be pretty damn hypnotized by his performance. We want to believe there’s good inside the guy. …

G Rated Horror: The Legend of Boggy Creek

The Legend of Boggy Creek was written by Earl E. Smith, but the whole thing represents the vision of director Charles B. Pierce. The story was pieced together from the tales of local residents from Fouke, Arkansas, some of whom appeared in Boggy Creek as themselves. The so-called Fouke Monster, basically a sasquatch, was a folk legend that residents claimed was real. Reports began to surface in newspaper articles around Arkansas in the early 70’s and they seized Smith’s imagination. He knew he had found the subject of his first feature film.

Pierce is an interesting character. A self-motivated guy with a ton of ambition, he worked as a weatherman and a children’s show host named Mayor Chuckles before starting his own advertising firm. He made commercials for all sorts of companies throughout Arkansas. The owner of a trucking company client loaned Pierce $100,000 to get started on shooting Boggy Creek. The film was an almost instant success in cheap movie theaters and drive-ins and it…

Holy Terror: Terribly Mundane

Holy Terror, a horror flick released on digital platforms like Amazon Video this month, proves that it’s pretty damn hard to write and direct an original exorcism movie. Not only is this film’s story muddled, but every idea is recycled from another, better movie.
The first two minutes or so are actually quite interesting. Cool visuals, with everything a pea-green or vibrant black color. A priest named Jacob (Scott Butler), a nun (Kristine DeBell), and another priest are performing an exorcism on some poor young girl when it goes wrong and she croaks. Jacob is so flustered by the experience that he questions his faith and leaves the church. Cool story, but it’s time to forget about Jacob for about thirty minutes while we get to know a not-at-all pleasant couple, Molly (Kelly Lynn Reiter) and Tom (Jesse Hlubik), who’ve just lost their kid partially because of Molly’s neglect. Weird stuff is going on at their house and, who knows, maybe their dead kid is coming back in the form of a ghost…