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Showing posts from December, 2011

Christopher Hitchens Dies, Goes to Heathen's Heaven, Has to Answer Three Ridiculous Questions

Despite being made of over 56% organic material, Christopher Hitchens died a few days ago.

To his great surprise, his soul left his body and he found himself in heaven.  Heathen Heaven, of course, but heaven nonetheless.  But, like all souls, before he was allowed to either enter the planet Laughotron as a fully irrationalized being, or reincarnated on Earth, Hitchens had to face Texas Jeevus, Judge of all Souls, and Asker of the Three Silly Questions.  How did Hitchens do?  Here's what Jeevus had to say about the matter:

"Yeah, well, ya know, mutha fucka, never seen someone so shocked to stand in the middle of my Royal Football Stadium, facing my Toilet Throne.  Never seen such shock.  A-thee-ist?  Whazzat?  And dang if that didn't use up one of my questions and he done got the answer right too.  Gotta quit askin' questions out loud.  No matter, though, gots two more.  So I aims to make the next two count.  I says, 'Do you accept Captain Crunch as yer Lord and T…

In Praise of the United States of Spectacle

Baltiwhere?  Near what?  Yes, in the United States of Spectacle.  Oh, they don't call it that?  But why not?  Anyway, whatever they call it, the Mugwump Corporation will stay away for a while.  The cops are doing a marvelous job of irrationalizing the people.  We can simply sit back and watch and collect our money.  Thanks, cops!

Starting in New York City and spreading throughout the U.S.S., there were waves of protests and campouts in public places.  What were they protesting?  Shit only knows, but, as stinky as those folks were, they were always quite helpful, especially if you liked free food, warm clothes and direct democracy.

This would not do.

Do you realize just how god-awfully rational this all was?  It was a rash of rationalism, if you ask us.  Since it's our job to spread irrationalization throughout the universe, the Mugwump Corporation was thinking of hiring a hoard of madcap Hamster Dancers to maybe even things out a bit.  But lo!  Who shows up just in time, but …

Kim Kardshian's Revenge Romance turns into Revenge Axe Murder, Revenge Pizza Making

Well, the reliable and always truthful Life & Style magazine reported it first, and the Mugwump Corporation is proud to confirm that Kim Kardashian did indeed have an intergalactic revenge romance last week.  She hitched a ride to planet Bartlebyscrivener for a week of dancing and indiscreet mating rituals with the planet-wide warlord, Heslogoth the Flatulent.

For Ms. Kardashian, it was all just a little fling, something Celebrity Robotoids do out of boredom or after a major relationship ends.  Or because they have gas.  Or any reason, really.  But Helsgoth didn't understand earth culture.  Lack of titties in his life turns him red with anger.  And so Helsgoth fell in love with her and even detached one of his five breathing tentacles from his frothy and hairy chest, so that one of his underlings might fashion it into a traditional Bartlebyscrivener wedding belt buckle.  Trucker size.  But by the time it was finished, Kim Kardashian had already hitched a ride back to Hollywoo…

Lady Gaga Heads to White House to Bully President Obama

We all know that Lady Gaga has long been a fan of bullying.  She's taken it on as her pet cause. In the past, Gaga has bullied insurance salesmen, illegal immigrants, and people who have flattop haircuts.  Now, Gaga is heading to the White House to bully head macho honcho, Dr Mugwump himself, President Barack Obama.
We've yet to be disappointed in what we consider one of our best Celebrity Robotoids yet.  Lady Gaga has, in fact, been a favorite of ours.  Gaga is both vapid and shallow, yet she's able to convince the public that she's transgressive, subversive, and, err, "sayin' sumthin'." 
Details are vague at the moment but Mugwump Corporation sources say that Gaga plans to stalk the President like a rabid cat, jump out of closets and say, "boo!" and maybe call him President Poop Butt.  Other possible bullying techniques include replacing his taco meat with Mexican Whooping Worms and crawling into his stomach, forcing the President to expl…