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Showing posts from November, 2011

Subway Wants You to be Melty. So Does the Mugwump Corporation

We warned you!  Or we thought we had.  Turns out that the entire Demi face melt thing was just the beginning. Just days after the Mugwump Corporation reported it, face melt has become trendy.  We're hip, see!  We must use our powers of influence wisely, though.  We're considering next endorsing leopard skin underwear or penile explosions.  Stay tuned.

Ahem.  But this Subway Sandwiches "Be Melty" advertising campaign, I mean, you know what it's about, right?  If you come in and your face is at least 50% melty, you get a free six inch sub.  But say you have nearly 100% face melt?  What if you have, say, eyes that droop down to your nutsack or your chin hangs past your knees?  Well, in that case, you get a free foot long sub!  Wowza!

But it gets even better.  Everyone is entered into a drawing where they could win a trip to the "Big Game."  But which one?  Why the biggest of all, of course.  One lucky winner will be sent to planet Laughotron IV, which, as…

Pakistan Bans Jesus von Pantaloons, Mugwump Corporation Celebrates

According to Mashable, Pakistan is adding the word "Jesus" to a list of 1,000 obscene words that will be censored from text messages.  At first, the Mugwump Corporation was surprised by the inclusion of the Prince of Peace, since we have always considered him an ally in the movement toward complete irrationalization of the human race.

But then we realized that there are other folks named Jesus, among them the notorious Jesus von Pantaloons, native of the planet Laughotron, who once rationalized several Sumerian city-states, leading to the invention of writing.  Needless to say, quite a setback for total irrationalization, costing the Mugwump Corporation several thousand years of pranks and invented religions and such just to equalize things.

The Mugwump Corporation put an end to all that sanity when we stuffed him into a Stinky Cube, put the cube into a Hee-Haw Cannon and shot him into the center of the moon.  Jesus's name hasn't been uttered in nearly six thousand …

Avoid Face Melt!

A reputable news source

has reported that

and I believe it too.  I once had a terrible face melt experience myself and was forced to find the great Bongolian witch doctor, Bongo T. Willowtree, who has performed un-face melting spells for over fifty trillion years.

Everyone knows, of course, that face melt is caused by a breed of human known as AssholeCameraPeeps.  AssholeCameraPeeps use their cameras to steal the souls of others so that they might feed on them.  Psychic Vampires, as the Great Burroughs once said.

Try not to confuse AssholeCameraPeeps with their mostly benevolent cousins, ArtCameraFolks.  ArtCameraFolks are generally a quiet and gentle bunch, friendly even, if offered snacks or a funny anecdote.     Rather than stealing your soul, ArtCameraPeeps actually preserve it, passing your essence down through the generations.  ArtCameraFolks should be treated as friends.

You might first sense an AssholeCameraPeep is nearby when you notice that you're surrounded on all sides…

But Why Not Get Your Psychic Reading From a California Hippie?

So I was driving down ol' I-95 at 4:30 in the morning listening to my favorite country music station.  Commericial time and what do I hear?  An advertisement for a hotline called California Psychics.  Makes sense.  Not much says "country music" like hearing about a psychic hotline staffed by California hippies.  Cool.  I hadn't heard an advertisement for a psychic hotline since my late-night hot cocoa and meth phase in the late 1990's when I would watch Psychic Friends Network infomercials and have a good healthy cry until the sun came up.

Look, this California Psychics thing is the real deal.  Do you know that they only take two out of every one hundred psychics who apply?  Quality control, folks.  You're getting the best in the business.

I wonder what the recruiting process is like.  I mean, after the application is filled out, of course.  I'd like to think they use something similar to the device PeterVenkman used at the beginning of Ghostbusters, wh…

The Kardashians are Fake Robotoid Humans Created by Tabloids to Sell Magazines and Now One Magazine Blows the Whistle

What the hell is this?  I can tell you what it looks like, at least to this blue-eyed horse fucker: Someone at In Touch Weekly, or perhaps even the entire magazine, has gone rogue, exposing the tabloid industry's darkest secret.  I mean, what?  "America's Fakest Family?"  What are they thinking?  Do they want everyone to know that the Kardashians, along with hundreds of other celebrities are merely synthetic Robotoids?  And what does this leak even mean?  That we're getting closer to the Great Cosmic Freakout predicted by Marvin Mervin of the Mugwump Corporation upon its founding in 23498534 B.C.?  Well, let's hope so, or else this information is moot anyway.

Even more interesting is the even larger text below: "Destroyed by Greed." Well, yes, but who else would destroy them?  Every Celebrity Robotoid conspiracy theorist knows that Dr. Thurburt Cecil Greed III has oversee the Robotoid production and destruction facilities deep inside the Antarctic …

Smackchicken and Tittiewinks Discuss the Nature of Insanity Before Going on a Twinkie Run.

Smackchicken:  Oh good, you're there.  I thought I was losing my mind.

Tittiewinks: I've been here for a while now.  Anyway, how would you know if you were losing your mind?

Smackchicken:  Ha!  Well, you know, I keep telling my kids that if I lose my mind they should just go ahead and shoot me.  I even showed them how to load the shotgun and everything!

Tittiewinks: But, I mean, how would you know for sure if you were losing your mind?  I mean, say you went to the supermarket carrying a bag of your own pubic hair and started handing it out to shoppers?  Let's say you did this because you were convinced that God told you to do it.  And, I mean, you can't disobey God, right?  Holy fucking corn pone, you know?  This is your reality.  This is a big deal.  You're not really harming anyone per se.  Or not even that.  Let's pretend that you've disinfected your pubes so they truly aren't hurting anyone.  Physically.  We can put the psychological harm aside for now…

I Tried To Scare Myself By Conjuring Ghosts While Driving Up I-95 And Listening To An Old Country Band Called the Skillet Lickers But Only Managed To Slightly Scare Myself

Ever done something like this?  I mean, it's late at night and you're driving alone and there's only a few people on the highway and you put some music on and all of a sudden you get totally creeped out and become horribly self-aware?  Like, you realize your own naked existence and that you might as well have one foot in the grave already and you'll never get your youth back and you feel so disconnected from everything?  And what is that?  Is something watching you from the back seat?  But you were alone!

This kind of thing has happened to me a lot, very often after having watched a movie in the theater.  Last Saturday, after watching The Rum Diary (kickass!) I started driving home and it felt weird that I didn't have this creepy feeling.  I was really somehow totally at ease.  Something was amiss, here.  So I tried to manufacture the self-awareness, the creepy crisis.  I put a collection of Skillet Lickers songs on and turned the music up and waited.

The Skillet …

Warning! Your Children Might have already Gone Rogue: The Berenstain Bears Made me Want to Grease Up My Hair and Wear a Leather Jacket and Beat Up Nerds

Wasn't this supposed to teach us, like, lessons or somesuch?

Yeah, I remember them Berenstain Bears.  Sort of.  I remember Brother Bear the most because he was always getting into trouble.  Yeah, he was my favorite.  There was always some sort of “lesson” he learned in the end, but you could easily ignore that.  I mean, the real lesson, to me, was always that Brother Bear got his ass caught.
I remember this particular book where Brother Bear was sick and so he stayed home and just lay about in bed.  Reading comics and watching TV and shit.  Wonderful!  But then Momma Bear ruins his casual revelry by bringing him homework and shit to study.  Brother Bear does the only sensible thing and puts the homework aside and continues to fuck off.  Like a champ.  What?  That’s right, like a fucking champ.
Because he’s young and we all know that the most important thing to do when you’re young is to have fun.  You can turn yourself into a mindless productivity machine soon enough, fella.  I m…