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Showing posts from 2011

Christopher Hitchens Dies, Goes to Heathen's Heaven, Has to Answer Three Ridiculous Questions

Despite being made of over 56% organic material, Christopher Hitchens died a few days ago.

To his great surprise, his soul left his body and he found himself in heaven.  Heathen Heaven, of course, but heaven nonetheless.  But, like all souls, before he was allowed to either enter the planet Laughotron as a fully irrationalized being, or reincarnated on Earth, Hitchens had to face Texas Jeevus, Judge of all Souls, and Asker of the Three Silly Questions.  How did Hitchens do?  Here's what Jeevus had to say about the matter:

"Yeah, well, ya know, mutha fucka, never seen someone so shocked to stand in the middle of my Royal Football Stadium, facing my Toilet Throne.  Never seen such shock.  A-thee-ist?  Whazzat?  And dang if that didn't use up one of my questions and he done got the answer right too.  Gotta quit askin' questions out loud.  No matter, though, gots two more.  So I aims to make the next two count.  I says, 'Do you accept Captain Crunch as yer Lord and T…

In Praise of the United States of Spectacle

Baltiwhere?  Near what?  Yes, in the United States of Spectacle.  Oh, they don't call it that?  But why not?  Anyway, whatever they call it, the Mugwump Corporation will stay away for a while.  The cops are doing a marvelous job of irrationalizing the people.  We can simply sit back and watch and collect our money.  Thanks, cops!

Starting in New York City and spreading throughout the U.S.S., there were waves of protests and campouts in public places.  What were they protesting?  Shit only knows, but, as stinky as those folks were, they were always quite helpful, especially if you liked free food, warm clothes and direct democracy.

This would not do.

Do you realize just how god-awfully rational this all was?  It was a rash of rationalism, if you ask us.  Since it's our job to spread irrationalization throughout the universe, the Mugwump Corporation was thinking of hiring a hoard of madcap Hamster Dancers to maybe even things out a bit.  But lo!  Who shows up just in time, but …

Kim Kardshian's Revenge Romance turns into Revenge Axe Murder, Revenge Pizza Making

Well, the reliable and always truthful Life & Style magazine reported it first, and the Mugwump Corporation is proud to confirm that Kim Kardashian did indeed have an intergalactic revenge romance last week.  She hitched a ride to planet Bartlebyscrivener for a week of dancing and indiscreet mating rituals with the planet-wide warlord, Heslogoth the Flatulent.

For Ms. Kardashian, it was all just a little fling, something Celebrity Robotoids do out of boredom or after a major relationship ends.  Or because they have gas.  Or any reason, really.  But Helsgoth didn't understand earth culture.  Lack of titties in his life turns him red with anger.  And so Helsgoth fell in love with her and even detached one of his five breathing tentacles from his frothy and hairy chest, so that one of his underlings might fashion it into a traditional Bartlebyscrivener wedding belt buckle.  Trucker size.  But by the time it was finished, Kim Kardashian had already hitched a ride back to Hollywoo…

Lady Gaga Heads to White House to Bully President Obama

We all know that Lady Gaga has long been a fan of bullying.  She's taken it on as her pet cause. In the past, Gaga has bullied insurance salesmen, illegal immigrants, and people who have flattop haircuts.  Now, Gaga is heading to the White House to bully head macho honcho, Dr Mugwump himself, President Barack Obama.
We've yet to be disappointed in what we consider one of our best Celebrity Robotoids yet.  Lady Gaga has, in fact, been a favorite of ours.  Gaga is both vapid and shallow, yet she's able to convince the public that she's transgressive, subversive, and, err, "sayin' sumthin'." 
Details are vague at the moment but Mugwump Corporation sources say that Gaga plans to stalk the President like a rabid cat, jump out of closets and say, "boo!" and maybe call him President Poop Butt.  Other possible bullying techniques include replacing his taco meat with Mexican Whooping Worms and crawling into his stomach, forcing the President to expl…

Subway Wants You to be Melty. So Does the Mugwump Corporation

We warned you!  Or we thought we had.  Turns out that the entire Demi face melt thing was just the beginning. Just days after the Mugwump Corporation reported it, face melt has become trendy.  We're hip, see!  We must use our powers of influence wisely, though.  We're considering next endorsing leopard skin underwear or penile explosions.  Stay tuned.

Ahem.  But this Subway Sandwiches "Be Melty" advertising campaign, I mean, you know what it's about, right?  If you come in and your face is at least 50% melty, you get a free six inch sub.  But say you have nearly 100% face melt?  What if you have, say, eyes that droop down to your nutsack or your chin hangs past your knees?  Well, in that case, you get a free foot long sub!  Wowza!

But it gets even better.  Everyone is entered into a drawing where they could win a trip to the "Big Game."  But which one?  Why the biggest of all, of course.  One lucky winner will be sent to planet Laughotron IV, which, as…

Pakistan Bans Jesus von Pantaloons, Mugwump Corporation Celebrates

According to Mashable, Pakistan is adding the word "Jesus" to a list of 1,000 obscene words that will be censored from text messages.  At first, the Mugwump Corporation was surprised by the inclusion of the Prince of Peace, since we have always considered him an ally in the movement toward complete irrationalization of the human race.

But then we realized that there are other folks named Jesus, among them the notorious Jesus von Pantaloons, native of the planet Laughotron, who once rationalized several Sumerian city-states, leading to the invention of writing.  Needless to say, quite a setback for total irrationalization, costing the Mugwump Corporation several thousand years of pranks and invented religions and such just to equalize things.

The Mugwump Corporation put an end to all that sanity when we stuffed him into a Stinky Cube, put the cube into a Hee-Haw Cannon and shot him into the center of the moon.  Jesus's name hasn't been uttered in nearly six thousand …

Avoid Face Melt!

A reputable news source

has reported that

and I believe it too.  I once had a terrible face melt experience myself and was forced to find the great Bongolian witch doctor, Bongo T. Willowtree, who has performed un-face melting spells for over fifty trillion years.

Everyone knows, of course, that face melt is caused by a breed of human known as AssholeCameraPeeps.  AssholeCameraPeeps use their cameras to steal the souls of others so that they might feed on them.  Psychic Vampires, as the Great Burroughs once said.

Try not to confuse AssholeCameraPeeps with their mostly benevolent cousins, ArtCameraFolks.  ArtCameraFolks are generally a quiet and gentle bunch, friendly even, if offered snacks or a funny anecdote.     Rather than stealing your soul, ArtCameraPeeps actually preserve it, passing your essence down through the generations.  ArtCameraFolks should be treated as friends.

You might first sense an AssholeCameraPeep is nearby when you notice that you're surrounded on all sides…

But Why Not Get Your Psychic Reading From a California Hippie?

So I was driving down ol' I-95 at 4:30 in the morning listening to my favorite country music station.  Commericial time and what do I hear?  An advertisement for a hotline called California Psychics.  Makes sense.  Not much says "country music" like hearing about a psychic hotline staffed by California hippies.  Cool.  I hadn't heard an advertisement for a psychic hotline since my late-night hot cocoa and meth phase in the late 1990's when I would watch Psychic Friends Network infomercials and have a good healthy cry until the sun came up.

Look, this California Psychics thing is the real deal.  Do you know that they only take two out of every one hundred psychics who apply?  Quality control, folks.  You're getting the best in the business.

I wonder what the recruiting process is like.  I mean, after the application is filled out, of course.  I'd like to think they use something similar to the device PeterVenkman used at the beginning of Ghostbusters, wh…

The Kardashians are Fake Robotoid Humans Created by Tabloids to Sell Magazines and Now One Magazine Blows the Whistle

What the hell is this?  I can tell you what it looks like, at least to this blue-eyed horse fucker: Someone at In Touch Weekly, or perhaps even the entire magazine, has gone rogue, exposing the tabloid industry's darkest secret.  I mean, what?  "America's Fakest Family?"  What are they thinking?  Do they want everyone to know that the Kardashians, along with hundreds of other celebrities are merely synthetic Robotoids?  And what does this leak even mean?  That we're getting closer to the Great Cosmic Freakout predicted by Marvin Mervin of the Mugwump Corporation upon its founding in 23498534 B.C.?  Well, let's hope so, or else this information is moot anyway.

Even more interesting is the even larger text below: "Destroyed by Greed." Well, yes, but who else would destroy them?  Every Celebrity Robotoid conspiracy theorist knows that Dr. Thurburt Cecil Greed III has oversee the Robotoid production and destruction facilities deep inside the Antarctic …

Smackchicken and Tittiewinks Discuss the Nature of Insanity Before Going on a Twinkie Run.

Smackchicken:  Oh good, you're there.  I thought I was losing my mind.

Tittiewinks: I've been here for a while now.  Anyway, how would you know if you were losing your mind?

Smackchicken:  Ha!  Well, you know, I keep telling my kids that if I lose my mind they should just go ahead and shoot me.  I even showed them how to load the shotgun and everything!

Tittiewinks: But, I mean, how would you know for sure if you were losing your mind?  I mean, say you went to the supermarket carrying a bag of your own pubic hair and started handing it out to shoppers?  Let's say you did this because you were convinced that God told you to do it.  And, I mean, you can't disobey God, right?  Holy fucking corn pone, you know?  This is your reality.  This is a big deal.  You're not really harming anyone per se.  Or not even that.  Let's pretend that you've disinfected your pubes so they truly aren't hurting anyone.  Physically.  We can put the psychological harm aside for now…

I Tried To Scare Myself By Conjuring Ghosts While Driving Up I-95 And Listening To An Old Country Band Called the Skillet Lickers But Only Managed To Slightly Scare Myself

Ever done something like this?  I mean, it's late at night and you're driving alone and there's only a few people on the highway and you put some music on and all of a sudden you get totally creeped out and become horribly self-aware?  Like, you realize your own naked existence and that you might as well have one foot in the grave already and you'll never get your youth back and you feel so disconnected from everything?  And what is that?  Is something watching you from the back seat?  But you were alone!

This kind of thing has happened to me a lot, very often after having watched a movie in the theater.  Last Saturday, after watching The Rum Diary (kickass!) I started driving home and it felt weird that I didn't have this creepy feeling.  I was really somehow totally at ease.  Something was amiss, here.  So I tried to manufacture the self-awareness, the creepy crisis.  I put a collection of Skillet Lickers songs on and turned the music up and waited.

The Skillet …

Warning! Your Children Might have already Gone Rogue: The Berenstain Bears Made me Want to Grease Up My Hair and Wear a Leather Jacket and Beat Up Nerds

Wasn't this supposed to teach us, like, lessons or somesuch?

Yeah, I remember them Berenstain Bears.  Sort of.  I remember Brother Bear the most because he was always getting into trouble.  Yeah, he was my favorite.  There was always some sort of “lesson” he learned in the end, but you could easily ignore that.  I mean, the real lesson, to me, was always that Brother Bear got his ass caught.
I remember this particular book where Brother Bear was sick and so he stayed home and just lay about in bed.  Reading comics and watching TV and shit.  Wonderful!  But then Momma Bear ruins his casual revelry by bringing him homework and shit to study.  Brother Bear does the only sensible thing and puts the homework aside and continues to fuck off.  Like a champ.  What?  That’s right, like a fucking champ.
Because he’s young and we all know that the most important thing to do when you’re young is to have fun.  You can turn yourself into a mindless productivity machine soon enough, fella.  I m…

But Why Can't Everything be Made of Legos?

A friend of mine's kid said this recently.  Cool.  I'm pretty okay with that question.  In fact, it was an excellent question.  I mean, kids grow out of this kind of world-reinventing fantasy soon enough anyway.  I've seen too many kids throw themselves full-bore into sports and suddenly, at age ten or eleven years old fantasy and imagination already stunted because even though parents and coaches tell the kid it's all for fun and it doesn't matter who wins or loses, the kid knows that somehow this is Serious Stuff.  Other kids, though, don't have to worry about cold reality for a while.  Hell, I had imaginary friends until I was fifteen.

Wait, no, that doesn't sound right.  Let me explain:

What I'm trying to say is that I turned the real world into something imaginary and populated it with people of my own choosing.  I mean, I wasn't delusional or anything.  I don't think.  But so what if I was?  I wasn't doing anything important at that p…

I'm so Excited to see The Rum Diary that I've attached Bells to my Testicles so that I Might chase my Cats around ThE ApaRtmeNT (Part 2)

OK.  Haven't seen The Rum Diary yet.  Work and bullshit like that.  A lukewarm review by the great Mad Hatter Media Critic Russell Davidson, of CC2K, gave it kind of a lukewarm review, but it still looks like it's worth seeing. Maybe Monday?  But does anything really happen on a Monday?

So, anyway, a few more words about the man under discussion.  Hunter S. Thompson is of interest to the Mugwump Corporation for several reasons.  For one, he was in touch with the Great Madness, or, the Holden Spirit.  Hunter S. Thompson believed that America in the 1970's was twisted and decadent and he became twisted and decadent himself.  So was he a hypocrite?  Of course, but only in the best way.  He loaded up on booze and drugs and hauled himself and his Samoan attorney into the belly of the beast.  He loved the decadence, made himself the subject of the decadence and found the heartbeat of the American dream.  Spoiler alert: the American Dream is greed.

Put it this way: Hunter S. Tho…

I'm so Excited to see The Rum Diary that I've attached Bells to my Testicles so that I Might chase my Cats around ThE ApaRtmeNT (Part 1)

Right.  So now that we've gotten that out of the way, I can tell you what is on a lot of folks' minds: there will be a great number of Irrationalized Mad Hatters who will dig the fuck out of this movie, whether it's any "good" or not.  I mean, it could be the shittiest movie of the year and we'd still love it.  First of all, even though I'm a married man, I don't think I'd get in any trouble if I somehow managed to have wild boar sex with Johnny Depp. The wife would give me a pass, after all.  Then she would sleep with him.  I love this man.  He does not age.  His is from the land of Orgasmaville.

Second, and far less important, there are Mugwump Corporation duties to consider.  The end goal, of course, being the total Irrationalization of the human race.  Johnny Depp is playing some cat named "Paul Kemp," right?  No worries, just a name, after all.  Undoubtedly he'll play it the same as when he was supposed to be a guy named "…

Earth Moving Closer to Irrationalization, Mugwump Corporation Amused

Should I watch Fast Five?  Should anyone?  Mugwump corporate policy is clear on this one.  Anything that might lead to the great Mass Irrationalization should be taken seriously.  But I've seen the first movie in this series, so have I essentially seen this sequel?  Maybe it'll be like when they made a sequel to Teen Wolf but it was actually a remake, replacing basketball with boxing.

Will this be much of the same?  Are we simply adding a Duane "Rock" Johnson and calling it a day?  Hmmm....I wouldn't know.  I can't remember a thing about the first movie.  Not plot detail one.  So to compare the two flicks I would have to watch the first one again and that might end up being too much Deep Strange even for me.
When I think of The Fast and the Furious, I mean, when I really close my eyes and think about it, I remember a blur of colors, headaches, muscles, explosions, a hot Latin chick, more stuff exploding.

I remember that I left the movie theater snarly and …

Welcome to OuR Corporate Policy

Welcome to Mugwump Corporation.  We seek total irrationalization of the human race.